Happy Date Night, all!
Whether you are out on the town or home on the couch, I hope you are enjoying your evening. And if you have a view -like this most amazing view- that I have seen last night, I trust that you are at least...not miserable.
Just wanted to let you know that I just had another one of those "Only in NY" moments that was SO shocking--even for me--the dating and relationship extraordinaire that has seen and heard it all! I will be revealing it very soon.
In the meantime, do you want to know the truth about dating in NYC and why it seems so impossible to find and keep the right relationship?
For a quick peek at what some NYC singles have to say, check out this short video filmed at the Campbell's-sponsored singles event I hosted last month with NowThis. Check me out-as well as the singles- for thoughts on food and dating too.
HINT: The couple who eats together stays together. So do have dinner this Date Night or next!
If you want the REAL truth-the whole truth and nothing but the truth- and are around in NYC this Monday night, Feb 20th at 8PM, come see me in The Great Love Debate. I'll be on the panel--telling ALL! You can purchase tickets here.
Have a good one!
Greetings from my home in NYC--where snow has fallen, wind has blown, tea has brewed, and deep thoughts about love were had.......
Check it out: Finding and keeping love is all about being authentic. Being authentic is all about letting go of the fear of being unloved for being true to who you are.
Since being inauthentic can ruin everything-and I try my best to practice what I preach-I am braving all with fourteen confessions that might just help your love life before or after February 14th.
But first, let me just remind you, being that Valentine's Day is only four days away, if you are in love with someone, you should speak now or forever hold your peace! Unless you are a bad boy, refer to the image above and work on your life, but I digress....... Anyway, here goes:
1. The title of this message makes me slightly uncomfortable. It feels funny calling myself an expert. I mean: I knooow how un-expert-like I have been after a bad text exchange with guy x, y, or z..... But then I realize that I have been working to help people find and keep love day in and day out for over a decade. Plus I have degrees and stuff. The title is deserved. I shall wear my crown with pride!
2. Being an expert in the public eye makes for people wanting to take you off your throne. I am aware that I am more susceptible to being unfairly judged because of what I do, as people expect me to be the epitome of perfection in my own relationships. Come on now; I am not God! I actually don't care so much when people spew judgment, as I know it is more about them than me.
3. Not caring what other people think of you is probably one of the keys to finding real love. Unfortunately, its a highly unattainable goal for most of us.
4.People are ridiculous. Yes, I think this about the people I set up on dates and coach every single day. These are good people--the kind you'd mostly want to be in a relationship with. Yet when it comes to dealing with matters of the heart, they are ridiculous.
5. A large part of the ridiculousness I see with dating and relationships stems from people letting their expectations color everything. Not having expectations can help your love life. Note: There's a difference between expectations and standards.
6. Oh, and then there are limiting beliefs. When you don't see limitations and focus on the positive, it becomes annoying to be with others who are stuck in negative thinking. (I get annoyed sometimes.) Like attracts like. When I hear people constantly complain about the negative partners they are attracting it makes me want to call them out and tell them to look at themselves. I get to do this regularly, and it is very rewarding, because I help people realize what it is about them that is broken. They then have the power to fix everything.
7. Oops-- except the other person. You can't fix the other person. You can only fix yourself. I have made the mistake of trying to fix a guy again and again. I am done now and have came to the conclusion that bad boys need not apply. Thanks.
8. I don't always let on, but I have done some pretty "woo woo" things in the name of love--like affirmations, visualizations, Reiki sessions, psychic readings, and astrology compatibility charts. I know many who roll their eyes at these things, but I have found some of this to be helpful--to an extent. I am even attending such an event-pink candle in hand-this weekend. So. Okay. Maybe I am still doing them!
9. Any friend who isn't there to support you along the ride of figuring things out with your crush/ex/partner isn't a friend at all.
10. I think technology is ruining modern day relationships. Here's my most recent example: This recent article from Intel Security shares some scary stats: 40% of people in relationships feel like their partner pays more attention to their phone than them! 33% of singles feel they have to compete with a phone on a first date! No bueno! PUT DOWN THE PHONE!
10. Also, I've noticed a lot of couples are BORING af. (If you don't know what "af" means, please don't date anyone under 35.) Here are some ideas for those couples that I have about celebrating Valentine's Day that can apply to any date night, really
11. The NYC dating scene is very rough--even (and sometimes especially) for a love expert. I am not above harassing my friends until they introduce me to someone halfway decent. I consider: "All of my friends are either married or @$$holes" no longer a good excuse! Sometimes I take those silly quizzes to find out which city has the best singles for me. (San Fran if you are wondering, but I don't buy it......) But I don't know if I'd ever really move out of the area.
12. I do think "if you can make it here, you'll make it anywhere" when it comes to dating in NYC. I am currently committed to helping New Yorkers make the most of this craziness. And, umm, not texting me ex first. So I like to participate in things like the upcoming Great Love Debate, because it helps me to further understand not only why everyone is single but to find the solutions for dating and relationship challenges.
13. I don't think The Rules are horrible. But ladies, shhh.. Guys don't need to know your dating strategies. I don't believe in following anything blindly, but I have used some of them in the past and they have worked quite well. Making your own rules based on your preferences and the type of relationship you want is also a good thing.
14. At some point or another, everyone worries they'll end up alone with cats. Yes, even me. Although, I doubt that'll really happen--and not just because I'm not particularly fond of cats. We are all scared and afraid of rejection,whether we are single or in a relationship. And we have to keep trying--no matter what our status. Because there is no happily-ever after. Unless we actively co-create it.
Its no secret: I am in love with LOVE! As a love industry professional, my month of February is all about love!
As evidenced by my recent social media posts, I am already kicking off my Valentine's Day 2017 celebrations tonight here. One of the perks of my job is that I never really feel lonely around February 14th. Whether I am single or coupled, my work always allows me to spread the love to others--and consequently to myself!
Today, I wanted to take a moment to share two of my upcoming events that would interest you if you, too, have a penchant for love. The first event is online and for women. The second is offline. and both my male and female friends and fans are welcome to attend.
"Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast…" This beautiful saying is the epitome of what Cyndi Olin, my colleagues, and I are teaching as part of the first transformational event for the ladies. As Cyndi says: "Believe it or not, love starts with you…owning who you are and your authentic self. Once you do that, and know your values, the perfect man just might show up easily and effortlessly."
Sound too good to be true? That negative voice inside your head needs to be silenced, my dears...
If you want to learn valuable information on how to release any love blocks that may be holding you back, drop any past programming that’s kept you stuck in a never-ending cycle of bad relationships, and recover your true authentic self, so you can be treated like a queen, I invite you to join me and 25+ experts for this FREE mastermind event, He is Gonna Love You: Releasing the hidden blocks that keep you from finding the one.
Lastly, I invite you to a really fun show, The Great Love Debate in NYC. I will be on the panel, sharing all that I know to be true about dating, relationships, and love. If you are in or near the city; this is a great night out with friends! If you are single, it can surely help you figure out why the heck you are still single when you don't want to be. And if you do happen to be dating or in a relationship by the time February 20th rolls around, you can attend for a creative Date Night that can really spark some interesting conversation. Bonus: What you learn about the modern day dating scene will surely make you feel some gratitude for the one you are with....
When it comes down to it, this show is really for anyone who likes to love and laugh...
Isn't that really what relationships are all about? Mostly, love is yours if you want it! But not if you are weak. Weak hearts need not apply......
Last night, my mother and I were joking about how women have it way harder than men. Physically, most women go through so much more than most men. Menstruation. Pregnancy. Childbirth. Menopause. Did I mention we also have to tolerate men?! Ha.
In many instances, this means having to deal with the male perspective on our physical appearance--especially when we are single and putting ourselves out there in the jungle of the modern day dating scene.
As a well-established matchmaker and dating+relationship coach, I am all too familiar with how critical men can be of the female body. The harsh reality is that throughout my career, I have learned-time and time again-that men-the visual creatures that they are- have a preference for a woman's body type. It is not fair that we women are judged based on how we look, that we are made to feel objectified, or that there are some men who can not see that our exterior does not define our value as a woman or a partner. Disclaimer: Don't shoot the messenger, you may not like what I am about to reveal.....
Yes, the clients I have worked with-across the board in terms of race, ethnicity, age, and religion-largely prefer women who can be described as "slender", "slender with curves", "athletic", "thin" and "model thin". While some apologize for sounding superficial when they share their match criteria; others have no shame in telling me they don't like "fat" girls. Most men are unapologetic about what they consider a logical explanation. They are simply attracted to what they are attracted to. "It is what it is," they say.
If you are reading this and feeling horrified: Please know that there are indeed men out there who are attracted to women who have a few pounds to lose. (And that men seeking matchmaking services are generally more selective than the general population!) Some men even have a penchant for curvy women.
The truth is: Confidence trumps all! A woman who feels really good in her own skin can be sexy at any size. When she can walk into a room feeling like a million bucks in whatever she is wearing, she can command the attention of almost any man. We hold the power as women. Men just receive the messages that we put out there. Are you sending the right messages?
Most women intuitively know that we teach men how to treat us; but they go wrong by trying to fake it 'til they make it. This could work for a bit; but if you don't do the work, ultimately insecurities and limiting beliefs creep in. Trust me: It is much better to acquire the confidence and sexiness that is such a turn on to men by actually feeling sexy and confident as opposed to pretending you do.
As my favorite food coach, Brigitte Weil says: "We cannot lose weight, get healthier, feel stronger, or look awesome in our favorite little black dress that’s pushed to the back of our closet because it doesn’t fit any more JUST because we want it. Talking about losing weight is not losing weight. Thinking about losing weight is not losing weight. Fantasizing about losing weight is not losing weight.Only DOING something to lose weight brings us closer to our goals."
Indeed, this is why Brigitte started her 30 Day Jumpstart Coaching Circles. Losing weight doesn't happen by accident. And Prince Charming does not magically show up at your doorstep.
Since I am all about being proactive in love and life, I wanted to share Brigitte's program with you! If you'd like a professional to create a personalized food plan and provide you with the accountability that you need to truly transform your body.....
Check out her 30 Day Jumpstart Coaching Circles. If you sign up for the one launching in Feb, you can get a free thirty minute consultation by mentioning that I referred you!
Oh; and at the end of the day; its not really about what men think: Its about what you think that really matters!
And most people just tell you to move forward, cause, you know:
"Everything happens for a reason."
So on that note, I received an email from a woman who had recently been ghosted. Unfortunately, this isn't the first time a female who was in these circumstances reached out to me for advice, and I doubt it'll be the last.
As I read her story, it became clear to me that her now ex-boyfriend's painful and abrupt departure from her life was indeed a blessing in disguise. Without getting into too much detail, let's just say this: It was a story of a woman dating a man who lacked the human decency that a healthy relationship requires.
Basically, when the going got tough, the guy could not give her the courtesy of honest communication. He simply could not demonstrate the willingness to be vulnerable, and he just shut down. Like many men before him. Sigh.
To literally run away with no explanation. To me, it is unfathomable! After all, I can't even stand when a man I care about doesn't respond fast enough to my texts, and therefore prompts that selfie.
As she wrote: "Now to be ghosted by someone you went on a few dates is understandable. But I shared a bed with this man, spent holidays with him, exchanged I love you's. Talked about how many kids we were going to have. How can a human being be this cruel?"
Uggh. It is horrifying to me that we live in a society in which any form of ghosting is acceptable. Whether its one date or one year, it can bring up all sorts of fears of abandonment.
Her email continues: "Ghosting from a full blown relationship is the most cowardly and disgusting thing to do. How much easier to simply disappear than to have to explain you really can’t tolerate being in a relationship anymore. Or that you never really cared about them in the first place. Or that they were never important enough to merit a proper explanation...."
Yup pretty much! This would cause many a mind to think the worst..... I mean.....really?! What would you think?
When everything about your love life changes in an instant-whether its because you've been ghosted or because someone properly broke up with you- it is likely that you may find yourself wishing for (more) closure. In many cases-often those in which people are divorced or widowed -closure is a luxury. In other instances, when the person is alive and somewhat in the picture, closure is nothing but a myth.
While we all deserve closure; we all don't get it. But the good news is that when it comes to getting over an ex, you don't need to know all the reasons why things have ended in order to move forward without them. And, let's be honest, when you decide to stay in a broken relationship, there are also some things you just don't need to know.
As for that one thing you need to know? No matter what, eventually; even this will be okay.
"I haven't had a date since I moved to New York City several months ago," said a beautiful, young woman at a very unique Campbells-sponsored "Soup Meets Sandwich" singles event that I co-hosted in Manhattan last night. "With this millennial generation, guys don't ask you out anymore," said another girl.
I know. I know. Some people may be wondering how this is even possible in such a big city full of singles and even if it indicates a problem.
In today's modern day dating culture, not having a date in longer than you'd like to admit does not necessarily mean trouble. It could be a matter of someone not wanting to go on a bunch of meaningless, random dates. It could be someone who is very selective or someone who just doesn't have enough exposure to potential dates. Or it could be someone who says they want to date but is actually prioritizing other things. In this case of many millennials, it is probably just another tale of young men who are a bit too into the hookup culture.
But don't get me wrong: There are many people-young and old alike- who would love a relationship but are just unsuccessful in getting dates. A lot of singles are burned out from the dehumanizing culture of online dating sites and apps. Others have no interest in going to bars where they find it hard to connect. Still others are hoping to meet someone organically.
And then there are those who just give up on trying. Of course, you don't have to just be single to give up on love. This happens to those in relationships too! Its understandable, really.
The singles who are not investing time and effort into trying to get dates are often just tired. Maybe they want a relationship-but not badly enough-to put themselves through the emotional roller-coaster of trying to get dates. Same goes for those in a relationships who have given their partner chances again and again and are just DONE. For real. DONE, this time.
So what's the answer to all of this? Do you make dating and relationships your biggest priority when you want to find or keep love? Do you take a dating detox? Separate from your partner? Give up for the long term and hope love finds you?
Well, you can do whatever you'd like really. There's free will in this life, kiddies. Personally, the Libra in me wants to scream: Balance. Find balance in your love life!
Balance is key; extremes can be unhealthy. People are most attracted to those who have something to bring to the table. If all you do is date or focus on your relationship and it is your obsession, you may come across as overeager. If you can make your love life your #1 priority without taking on that air of desperation, the laser focus may serve you well. There may be a spiritual component to success in which God-or The Universe-will send you your match! Or make your match get it together-for real!
But then again, disregarding dating and relationships entirely could help you focus more on your self-development and therefore make you more attractive to the one you want. Some say that you find what you are looking for only when you stop looking for it. The jury is still out on that one.
Mostly, anything is possible.
Welcome to the new year!
It is a time in which we all need to move forward in life instead of talking about the same things over and over. But, sometimes, it is helpful to take a brief glimpse into the past--to revisit that thing that has come up over and over. Because, as they say, the lesson repeats until you learn it....
The dead horse of the discourse on why people are generally single is that they are just too picky. Singles are criticized for having "laundry lists". They are encouraged by their family members, friends, therapists, matchmakers, coaches, and strangers on the train to be more open, to give people chances, etc.
In most instances, I find this to be pretty good advice. Most people are too narrow-minded when it comes to who they will date and aren't too skilled at predicting their compatibility with another. Even when they are very self-aware and have done a lot of therapy or coaching, people have blind spots. They have strong ideas about dating and relationships, as well as what is good for them and what isn't. Sometimes, they are wrong.
I'll be honest: I have my share of ideas that I cling to with a pretty tenacious grip as well.
For instance, I confess that I think it is *generally* better for women to date older men! But, hey if you are an extraordinary, mature guy who has a thing for an older woman, you can totally make it work---if you avoid all the mistakes younger men make that is. If this is of interest to you-or you are just curious- check out this article I was quoted in & learn what I think is the #1 mistake of these young cubs today....
Anyway, being picky might seem like one of the worst things for love. It is pretty bad when you are single, because it keeps you single for longer than you'd like. And if you manage to actually get into a relationship and start picking apart your partner, its pretty toxic too. After all, no one likes to be with someone who is critical.....
In my humble opinion, the worst thing anyone can ever do for their love life is be impatient and demanding in regard to love. Because, even in our instant gratification culture: You still can't hurry love.
If you try to force someone to be with you-or demand that he or she treat you a certain way when they keep showing they don't want to-you are settling for way less than you deserve.
And settling for less than you deserve is it--that is the absolute worst thing you can do for your love life--no matter who you are and what your relationship status is.
So in 2017, just don't do that, k? It'll all be alright!
Ah. 2017. I’ll spare you all of the “New Year, New You” introductory pretense and cut right to the chase:
If you want to make over your love life by next year at this time, listen up; I’ve got something to say. I have been writing about dating & relationships for a very long time. Can you believe I didn’t run out of advice? Or get carpal tunnel?
We’ve made it this far, y’all! I’ve got another self-help dating book on the way for early 2017, and for now, I have 17 Commandments for your love life for 2017. Without further ado:
And have a happy, healthy, successful, sexy, fabulous, love life in 2017!
This past Saturday night, as I was waiting for one of my girlfriends to pick me up for a holiday party, I started thinking deeply about the magic of the holiday season.
As I put on my red dress, red lipstick, and grabbed a bottle of red wine for the host, I thought about the feelings of hope that many of us experience in our love lives at this time. I pondered my own ideas of the miracles and magic that I currently-and historically- hope for at this time of year. And I switched on my iPhone camera with the strong desire to achieve the night's perfect selfie. Ya know, that ideal balance between "cool girl" and "All I want for Christmas is you".
No doubt there are a lot of expectations and "pressures" that come with the holiday season. No exceptions are made when it comes to dating, relationships, and marriage.
If we are single we think that maybe "the one who got away" will come back-friend us on Facebook- and, ya know, sweep us off our feet by the time the ball drops on the 31rst. Or maybe we will lock eyes with a special someone over that bowl of spiked eggnog. Instead of encountering a bunch of singles who are darting their eyes around the room as we are trying to make conversation with them.
If we are coupled, we think maybe this is the year we will be invited to come to dinner with the family, back to our partner's hometown etc. Or we think that maybe this is the time he will finally pop the question. Will there be a sparkly ring waiting for me under the Christmas tree?
If we are married, it doesn't end there. We wonder if our partner will help us cook, or clean, or not run out of the room and leave us alone when Aunt Sally is going off on another one of her painful tangents.....
The problem with all this wondering is that we are focused on what we are getting or not getting. We are failing to realize the true magic of the season: The joy of giving. Giving for the sake of giving without expecting anything in return.
When it comes to love, it can feel risky to give and give with no guarantee that it will come back to you. But that's where you have to take a leap of faith. That's where you have to be unsure of where you are going but decide to go anyway. The journey to a real long-lasting love does not come with GPS. But if you keep your eyes open, there are signs that can help you along the way.
If you are looking for a sign: This is it! In the spirit of giving, I have decided that I am going to to answer your most pressing love questions from now through Jan.1, 2017.
Just because I want to help you. And help you figure out what lights up your soul. I invite you to take the opportunity to send me an email at Rachel@RachelRusso.com and have your question answered before year's end. The only catch: Your email must be 250 words or less. 'Cause I might have some more holiday parties to attend!
In the meantime, I wish you faith, hope, love, and happiness during this most precious season. Be well and enjoy whatever it is that lights up your soul.
So I got a text from my ex the other day.
He saw something on TV that reminded him of me. It was about the show Married at First Sight and the couples who got divorced and now have fans wanting to date them.
He remembered when-right before we started dating-FYI network was considering me to be on the show.
"If you got married at first sight, would you be divorced now?" he asked.
"Nope. I'd still be married....." I quickly replied.
I went on to give him my most personal thoughts on divorce.
Just in case he's still considering me for marriage. #ToBeContinued
" I am old-school, you know. I can make it work. Divorce is one of those things that I think is fine for other people, but whoever I marry is going to be stuck with me forevs."
Take note, Baby Cakes!
"I believe you," he said.
In this moment, I do too! I truly believe that my future husband and I will be married "til death do us part". Granted, I have never been married, but I do have lots of experience witnessing the challenges others who are married struggle with. And, well, a master's degree in Marriage & Family Therapy.
I know myself. I know my strengths and weaknesses for working on some of those challenges, I know my views on the spiritual purpose of marriage. I know that unless there was abuse or some extremely- extreme difficulty, I will probably stay married forever. In fact, the idea of forever is the whole point to me. It is what makes the institution so appealing to me in the first place. When divorce is not an option, you either work things out or stay miserable.
I don't know about you, but misery never looked good on me.....
Now I want to clarify, I don't think my view is for everyone. I don't think I am better or worse than anyone for having this view. There are plenty of people who are probably better off getting divorced. Marriage isn't for everyone!
So what are my professional opinions on divorce and what to do if it all comes crashing down?
Well, I'll be on TV, today, Thursday, December 15th at 3:00PM on the Brooklyn Savvy show on NYClife Network - Cablevision Ch 22 - Comcast Ch 25 - Over the air 25.1 - RCN 25 - Time Warner Cable 25/10 - Verizon Fios 25- on a panel about divorce. Check it out if you can. If not stay tuned for when it will air online.
In the meantime, please know that I am no stranger to dishing out my thoughts about divorce or dating after divorce. You can view a past Brooklyn Savvy episode where I spoke about the effect of divorce on children.
You can also shoot me an email at Rachel@RachelRusso,com with your thoughts on marriage, divorce, or Donald Trump.
Just kidding about Donald Trump.
Let's keep it real!