Contrary to the popular belief of many people who live outside of NYC, The Big Apple -which was recently voted the third best city to find love-is not a place full of happy single New Yorkers who are psyched to date.
In fact, the city is largely filled with stressed-out-workaholics who barely have time to shave and wash their underwear! Although Sex & The City made it seem as if the lives of single women are all glitz and glam, for most, dating is nothing more than squeezing in a bunch of drinks with a bunch of uninspiring strangers into a schedule that is already jam-packed with meetings, social events, and work responsibilities. In other words, the motivation to dress up and look cute in nine degree weather for a random guy from Bumble-who met four other random girls this week- is understandably low.
Everyone says that dating is just a number game, and many regard it is a necessary evil. Even Rebel Wilson character in the new How To Be Single (which might be a more realistic portrayal of modern day dating admits: "I love relationships") In a city of endless options, I say: How about just picking one and trying to make it work?
Reaaaally? What's so bad about that? Maybe there is something to be said for putting all your eggs in one basket, after all.
Wouldn't we all be more psyched to have date nights with someone we are comfortable and familiar with? Someone we already know we are attracted to. Someone we are sure to have a good time with--even if they start doing that annoying thing again we have (sometimes) grown to love.
One of the number one things I learned in over a decade of matchmaking-a career that I've loved and have recently talked about in length on an episode of Brooklyn Savvy-is that a lot of people would be a lot happier if they just ended their serial dating stint and picked someone halfway decent to settle down with! And you know...settled down already.
I think that there are a lot of important things to look for in a partner--like common values, desire for a similar lifestyle, the tendency to not...act like a sociopath, etc. I don't want to minimize the importance of choosing well when it comes to your life partner, because that choice really can be endless. However, I do want to share that maybe-just maybe-the person that is right in front of us-can be the person for us! Maybe with a few minor tweaks or maybe even just as they are.
While no one has all the answers to achieving relational bliss, picking someone and committing to work on making that relationship work would sure solve the problem of being stuck in the God-awful dating scene.
What do you think? Do you want to retire from the modern day dating scene? Are you at the point in which you would settle down with someone halfway decent and make it work? Or are you holding out for that perfect 10?
Send me your thoughts at Rachel@RachelRusso.com or comment below.
Ya'll ready for this?
I'm about to spill the beans!
But first some context.....
Last night, I co-hosted a pre-Valentine's Day workshop and mixer at The Core Club in New York City. At this private members-only-event, single men and women really opened up about the challenges they faced in dating and relationships.
They even answered uber-personal questions that were placed on the back of these chocolate hearts. The questions were designed not only to break the ice but to help people flirt. How fun is that? Some say laughter is the best medicine, but I say it is flirting.
Anyway, as it turns out, one of the best flirting techniques discovered was simply being totally open and authentic--showing warts and all. As one woman asked: "Who knew vulnerability was the ultimate accessory?"
Well, actually, I kind of did. I mean, its nothing that ten+ years in the matchmaking and dating industry wouldn't reveal.....
Vulnerability makes you attractive to others, because it shows that you are real. And most people-excluding those in Los Angeles- like to be in relationships with people who are real. Because they relate. To the imperfections. To the TMI (too much information). To the secretly being happy that your ex liked and then unliked that photo that was deep into your Instagram page. (Now, let's be honest: The latter is what is realllllly the best thing ever, but if it makes you want to go back to said ex, you should, you know, totally read my book.)
If you want to find or keep true love, you absolutely have to be vulnerable. You have to trust someone who is pointing a gun at your heart-like I was (OMG!) pointing this gun-not to pull the trigger.
If you can be vulnerable, your relationships will always be exciting. If you can't be vulnerable, you just may be destined to boring, sex-less Valentine's Days for the rest of your life.
The choice is yours.
And a Happy Valentine's Day to you too!
Are you or someone you know frustrated with the modern day dating scene and wishing we could go back to "the good ol' days"?
You know, a time where people didn't break up via Facebook messenger and proceed to see their ex on three different dating apps two weeks later?
As you may imagine, I talk to a lot of women who are really bothered by the ways technology has impacted their love life. They blame men for things that the technology has only highlighted---men being poor communicators, men who don't want monogamous relationships because of the endless options, and men cheating on their partners. Unfortunately, all of these things are a thing that is very common among single men today.
For the majority of guys, communicating via text, chat, or email is the way you talk to women. It doesn't even cross their mind to call and confirm a date when they can just text. For many, it becomes another "thing" when a woman they meet on a mobile dating app or online site wants to have a conversation before meeting. As in a "thing" they don't want to do.....
When men keep the communication to a minimum, women are forced to over-analyze the meaning of their words. Naturally, they want to know more, but if a guy isn't providing more, they are happy to fill in the blanks. So, essentially women get into the habit of reading into mens' texts. They jump to conclusions about who the men are, how they will treat them, and if they should even be talking to them in the first place.
The sad part is:
Sometimes, these conclusions may be wrong. Sometimes, men present themselves via text in ways that are very different than they would be in "real life". Sometimes, they never get the opportunities to meet women they would be psyched to meet. Sometimes, men are IGNORED.
Sometimes, it is because women are turned off by one text. Sometimes, women conclude that "how you do something is how you do everything". If he was insensitive early on, he will be that way forever. Sometimes, women realize the texts may not be representative of who a guy really is, but they have the time and energy to wait around for his true self come out.
I, too, am guilty of all of the above.
In fact, for the last couple weeks, I have been on the hot new dating app, Bumble. I signed on for the first time to see if what all my friends are buzzing about is true. I stated this in my little bio and also posed the following question: I am recently single, so why not? Of course, the app, which connected with my Facebook account, also listed my occupation as a Dating & Relationship Expert. I had to reassure a lot of guys that I am, in fact, currently single and do have an interest in finding a relationship. Like. Nothing serious. Just a husband and 2.5 kids!
Let's just say, my conversations on Bumble resulted in me feeling forced to ignore a lot of guys--thirteen, to be exact. Yes, "getting back on the horse" really can be that bad! As per my analysis, these guy can be reduced to five different types.
The Guy Who Questioned My Intentions
"Are you only doing research, or are you seriously considering meeting people?" Totally not doing research. Refer to bio, thanks.
"Are you enjoying your social experiment?" Sigh.
"Am I the Bumble Guinea pig?"
"Am I part of a research project?" Clearly, this is something I will have to deal with on a regular basis if I want to be honest about who I am and/or choose not to delete Bumble.
The Guy Who Can't Handle This
"For the record, your profile is marginally intimidating."
"Your profile scares the hell out of me."
"What do you mean you are traditional?" "Oh you expect a guy to pay for dates. What happened to equality?" Yeah. Bye.
At least they are being honest, but this is so annoying, and if only they got to know me, they would realize I'm not as intimidating as they think.
The Guy Who Has No Clue
"Send over your number and let's catch up." Catch up? Huh? I don't know you, dude.
"Are you here to help me?
"Did you have your first Bumble f**k yet?" Wow! So rude.
The Guy Who Won't Commit
"Hard to say. I really can't plan things like it but whatever happens, happens. Not looking for anything specific."
The Guy Who Devalued Me
"Well try out your pre-interview technique, and let me know how it works out for you." Reallllly?
"Spas are cool, but I'd rather create my own spa experience at home with a partner."
Are you a guy who is getting ignored on Bumble? Send me an email at Rachel@RachelRusso.com for some good and trustworthy advice on how not to be that guy.
If you failed at keeping the New Year's Resolutions you made last month, you are in good company and have an opportunity to start fresh RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE, TODAY!
When it comes to resolutions that involve happiness with your love life, I firmly believe that
" keeping it real" is the key to success in dating and relationships.
The funny thing is that many people who aren't successful in the romance department actually think that they are authentic in their relationships. That they are totally aware of their truths.
In fact, lots of people that I meet in New York City believe that they are experts on dating and relationships. That they should write a book about their love life. That they know what men want and what women want and how to play this whole dating game.
In reality, many who think they know have NO idea about the truth of how to succeed in the modern day dating scene in NYC.
Tomorrow night, in Manhattan, I am sitting on a panel with three other dating and relationships experts, and we are about to get real! With my now 10+ years of experience as a NYC Matchmaker and Dating & Relationship Coach, I'm about to tell it like it REALLY is.
Would you like to join us? The Conscious Dating Panel takes place tomorrow, February 2nd, at 7PM at District CoWork at 1204 Broadway, New York, NY. This "get real" panel of female & male dating experts ages 30s to 50s, will offer five unique perspectives! Admission is only $20 and includes wine, water and light snacks.
My participation in this event has inspired me to invite everyone I know to become more conscious in dating, mating, and marriage. To not just invite everyone, but to DARE everyone to get real--and everyone includes you!
So, here's the challenge: I DARE you to either.....................
Attend The Conscious Dating Panel event, tomorrow evening, in NYC, by RSVPing and reserving your spot, RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE, TODAY.
Email me at Rachel@RachelRusso.com, RIGHT NOW, with the answer to this question:
What do you need to do to "Get Real" in your love life?
Alright, one, two........