Full Disclosure: I have never been on a Tinder date. Heck, I couldn't even access this increasingly popular mobile dating app on my iPhone 4s if I wanted to. But I've heard the horror stories and the complaints. I've seen the pain in the eyes of the girl whose date made her not only feel unattractive but uhuman. I’ve read the #WorstDateEver tweets from the guy who is not only out fifty bucks and an hour of his life he could never get back but is completely disheartened by the dating scene.
I have even swiped to the right and to the left on the phones of my Tinder-enthusiast-friends. Needless to say, I have developed an opinion on Tinder, and the world must hear it!
To clarify, this post is about Tinder use in New York City. I am sure there are similar dynamics occurring in other big cities, but I will start with my home base. It might as well be a universal law that Tinder has an immense talent for bringing out the rudeness of New Yorkers. (As if we weren't rude enough!) I have never in my life heard so many despicable dating tales that can all be traced back to one dating medium.
In fact, I think Tinder is the worst thing that could have hit the NYC dating scene. If you are seriously looking for love, I ask you to strongly consider whether it is in your best interest to be exposed to this beast.
Tinder is the new Craigslist Casual Encounters and is from the same egg as the old Chatroulette. But we all knew that, right? Do you and the New Yorkers you know really think your chances of finding a compatible match who actually wants to be in a serious relationship or marriage are high on Tinder? To my amazement, some of you do. Because the ones on Tinder who are not looking for just sex are going on date after date hoping to find “The One”. Sure it could happen, but so could getting struck by lightening!
Of course, it is possible to meet some quality relationship-oriented singles on Tinder, but I've come to believe you'd be more likely to:
- Exchange a few uninspiring text messages with a stranger who will soon start ignoring you.
- Be on a Tinder date with someone you never spoke to who has four other Tinder dates this weekend with people he/she has never spoken to. Two of which are on the same day as yours.
- Be downgraded from dinner to drinks with someone who will meet you for an hour on their way back from a road trip to Costco---before they go home to shower for their friend’s birthday party.
- Have someone leave mid-date because they aren't physically attracted to you and can't be bothered to get to know you to see if your personality might make you more desirable.
And maybe, just maybe, you'll hear the sorry excuse for bad behavior that my girl friend heard the other night: "It's only a Tinder date." That’s precisely the problem, you see. There are a whole lot of people out there-many who are men-that are not taking Tinder seriously at all. And why should they?
There is almost no effort required to get a Tinder date. Plus, Tinder daters know virtually nothing about each other except for their age and how they look in their Facebook photos. Not only do people go into most dates with a minimal level of excitement and lack of previous communication, they don’t care as much about making a good impression on the date because they know deep down it is all just a crapshoot.
Ladies, if you are looking for your future husband in NYC, a stint on Tinder is even bleaker for you than it is for the boys. I could write an entire book on the reasons why, but for now, I urge you to consider what you are really doing by dating on Tinder.
In my opinion, you are setting yourself up for a relationship that will fail to launch. You are dating (if you can call meeting a man two blocks from his office for a twenty minute drink dating) men who are superficial and looking for instant gratification.
You are giving up your power, because you are competing for a time slot with the dozens and dozens of other women he’s texting from Tinder right now. Before you even meet, you are nothing special in his mind, because he didn’t even have to call you in order for you to meet him. He didn’t have to make a plan to take you to dinner. He didn’t get to look forward to meeting you next week because you are available to meet him right now—before he even showered.
Call me old fashioned and hopeless romantic, but I want the man who regards our first date as something special. Something that warrants bathing. The man who has an attention span, likes real life interaction, and will actually pursue me because he is interested in going out with me. Not the man who is filling time. Escaping his loneliness. Or hoping to get lucky with a random hookup.
Guys, I know that some of you are reading this and wanting to be that man that I and every woman out there really want. Deep down inside, most of you know how to treat women well. But if you are on Tinder too long, you run the risk of getting corrupted. Objectifying women. Placing too much value on the physical—because you can. Treating women like they are disposable, because they let you. Becoming too picky. Becoming lazy about the whole dating process. And getting jaded by the crazies, the liars, and the women who just want to use you. You are setting yourself up for failure as well. Psychologically, you need a challenge to be happy in a relationship for the long term. You need to pursue a woman to value your relationship with her. And you won’t value any one woman when you view women as a dime a dozen. Obviously, that view gets reinforced every time you log on to Tinder.
Overall, I think Tinder should come with a disclaimer. I felt compelled to put this out there, because I see more NYC singles suffering than succeeding in their Tinder-ing. I hope I encouraged some of you to think twice before you swipe and consider the benefits of meeting people the old fashioned way. If you understand all the cons of Tinder and are still willing to play your cards with this app, by all means: SWIPE ON!
Have you had a good or bad experience with Tinder? Do you think most people can really find love on Tinder? Or do you think Tinder does more harm than good? Please leave your comments here.
So you are single and dating in the big city, and you realize you’ve got a bunch of questions about how to handle some very important issues as your relationships progress—namely sex and money.
If you are like most people, you are probably at least somewhat reluctant to discuss these taboo topics with your friends, let alone the person you are dating. Well isn’t that counterproductive. Like my high school teacher said: There are no stupid questions. If you start the conversation, you’ll set yourself up for finding the sex-and-money-related-answers you need for your love life.
In the spirit of starting the dialogue, I will share two frequently asked questions (as well as my responses) that my friends, clients, and social media followers want to know. The questions in my inbox go something like this:
Q: I have been dating ____ for _____ months. We have a good relationship, but the sex is kind of boring. Does this mean we are incompatible? How can I spice things up?
A: Life is too short for lackluster sex, but sometimes it happens to the best of us. You might be incompatible sexually, but the fact that you are looking to spice things up is promising. Don’t conclude you and your partner can’t be amazing between the sheets until you have put some serious effort into the sex department. If you care about each other, getting creative and seeing what
happens is worth a try.
Have you read 50 Shades of Grey, a.k.a. “the greatest novel of all time”? Perhaps, you can try taking turns reading it out loud and see what happens from there. If you are in the NYC area, you are in luck, because I am offering my peeps a discount on this sexy and hilarious musical. Look below for the discount code. If you aren’t local, rent some movies or browse the titles in the “Sex and Relationships” section of your bookstore for inspiration. Oh, and never underestimate the value of a quickie. Just like the power of my short and sweet response, the quickie done right will deliver!
To check out 50 SHADES THE MUSICAL, The Original Parody of Fifty Shades of Grey: 3 WAYS TO GET TICKETS:
ONLINE: CLICK HERE https://web.ovationtix.com/trs/pr/930808/prm/LSP49 and use code LSP49
BY PHONE: call 866-811-4111, and mention code LSP49
IN PERSON: Go to the The Elektra Theatre at The Times Square Arts Center, 300 W. 43rd St and mention code LSP49
Q: I'm a ___ year old guy who recently moved to NYC to pursue my dream of ____ I am finding dating here to be very expensive. I am now interested in seriously dating a girl I have been just friends with for the past few months. She makes a lot more money than I do and she knows this. As friends we went dutch. Do I now have to pay for all the dates? How should I address the subject of money with her?
A. Yes, the greatest city in the world does not come cheaply, and love does cost a thing. I feel your pain and recently consulted with my colleague, Rick Gabrielly, a married man in NY who is known as “The Couples Alchemist," so I could give you both a male and female perspective on the question of who pays when the woman earns more.
Rick Says: In the early stages of courting, we men want to impress our ladies. We often spend more than we can afford. We say things we can't uphold and we often set the bar higher than we should to get approval and ultimately win the hearts of our lady. BE HONEST!! Do not try to impress her by saying and doing things that you can't keep up with. You will set a bad tone for this relationship and a quality lady will be able to see right through your act.
Rachel Says: Your relationship will never prosper if it is based on a lie. Whatever you do to “get” her is what you have to do to keep her. As a woman, I totally understand why you wonder if you must conform to this stereotypical male role, because it seems like women and society want you to. Rick has shared: “There is no rule, it is purely based on the conversation and where
you BOTH agree the ground rules for your individual relationships begin.” I think this is true. But let me hit you with some more truth: A lot of women out there still want and expect you to pay—regardless of what they earn. If you don’t want to pay all the time, Rick and I both agree you don’t have to. Just don’t try to date these women! To find out if your money values align with
a girl you are dating, ask her. If they don’t, you may never be a match for the long term.
Rick says: The best way to address the subject of money is to go up to her and say: "Can we have a chat about finances?
I'd like to let you know my mindset about money as well as my current status and future goals. And I'd love it if you could share the same with me! I am interested in taking our relationship to the next step and I would feel more comfortable if we could openly discuss money on a consistent honest basis. What do you say?" If she joins you in this approach, she is well worth "investing"
in. If she hesitates or tightens up during this discussion, you may want to think twice before moving forward. If you don’t want to pay all the time: You set the money bar at a realistic height. Then from time to time, you surprise her with small spikes when the influx of money allows. Perhaps for a special event, you can go a little "crazy" on her.
Rachel Says: Rick’s suggestions are right on and totally not too cheesy! If she cares about you and sees a future with
you, she will be happy to have this conversation.She will be willing to work something out that works for you both. And although it is not “all about the Benjamins” for most women (of the non-gold digging variety) every girl likes to be spoiled now and then. So Rick’s famous "Underpromise and Overdeliver" technique, is, umm, right on the money!
Want more of Rick Gabrielly’s advice? He is the creator of “The Marriage Buzz: Putting the Honey back in your Relationship. ”Rick is a visionary, author, wellness, lifestyle, health and fitness coach and a “Couples Alchemist.” Contact Rick at http://www.themarriagebuzz.com/
Dates are a dime a dozen these days. Do you really need to waste another hour of your life having drinks with someone you’ll never want to see again?
Someone who lied. About height. Weight. Age. Marital Status. Or some other gross misrepresentation.
Do you have it in you to get excited about the prospect of a relationship with someone who just swiped “yes” on Tinder because they wanted to pass some time before going shopping for cleaning products at Walmart?
Someone who didn’t get her hair blown out. Someone who will show up for your date in the same black pants he wore to the office for the past three days.
Someone who would meet you and then immediately contact their best friend with the obligatory post-date-“On to the next- text before you even made it back to your doorstep.
Can we please stop the madness?!
Stop going on all these silly dates that will never lead to relationships, and start figuring out a better way to get into the relationship you want.
You can begin by getting the online dating thing down. Because as much as you hate it, it is still one of the best, most efficient ways for you to meet qualified prospects. IF you know what you are doing. And with all due respect, nine out of ten of you don’t have a clue as to what you are doing online.
In an effort to help singles like you and those you know properly market themselves, screen candidates, and exponentially increase the chances of finding a match online, I am participating in a Summer Auction for Mental Fitness, Inc.
If you want to treat yourself to a priceless Online Dating Consultation + some Ghostwritten Glory while supporting a good cause, place your bid here. The auction closes Sunday, so get on this. Like bees to honey.
Secondly, for the love of God, quit your gig as a serial dater! Instead, invest the time you would have spent on boring dates into relationship resources that you can listen to, watch, and read.
Resources that will hit you with the cold, hard truth as to why you are really single, as well as provide you with the insight to change your patterns and attract an amazing relationship.
This week, I have two totally free, fantastic relationship resources for you.
Exhibit A: My recent video interview from the Love Out Loud Summit. It is filled with helpful advice on how you can fight back against the horrible dating scene and take a stand to get the love you want—Italian American Style. Watch it here anytime.
Exhibit B: My upcoming interview on Celestial Space Talk Radio Show with Marleny Cruz, this Saturday from 12-1PM EST. I will be in the studio with Marleny giving up all the secrets to singles and couples who want healthy, happy, relationships. Call in at 973 925 4559. See the flyer for more details or visit http://www.healthandwellnessddv.com/.
So, yeah. Hope you’ll check me out on video and radio this week. The experience just might be more fun than your last date….
Do you agree that any old date is the last thing you need? Tell me what you’d rather have in the comments below.
This July 3rd, in honor of the upcoming Independence Day..................
I have three words for you: “Let freedom ring!”
Not only should we never forget all of the brave men and women who gave their lives for our freedom, we should regard the holiday as an opportunity to ponder what being free really means to us.
What would true freedom look like to you? How can you be more free? Mentally? Physically? Financially? Spiritually? And of course, in your love life? Think about it.
To spark more than just illegal fireworks this weekend, take a good look at the people you know who have love lives that you admire. Who do you know that is totally content being single? Who are the couples that have a relationship you would want for yourself? What do they do differently than you or most people you know?
Fingers crossed that you know some people who are actually happy with their love lives. (Trust me, they are out there—though far and few between.) If you are racking your brain and coming up empty, you are in luck. I am about to give you the Cliff Notes on the psyches and relationship dynamics that these peeps share.
You see, throughout my career in the dating industry for the past nine years in a place as diverse as NYC, I
have personally known all kinds of people. I’ve been like a sponge—absorbing all the good, bad, and ugly parts of love lives. I’ve been able to extract the truths that follow.
Allow me to introduce you to the four types of people who have something about them that is really free. (Hint: It is not that “free cruise” to the Bahamas everyone “wins”!)
The Person Who Is Not Super Attached To Any One Outcome: In other words, the opposite of a control freak. Want to be a slave forever? Just try to control everything—from the first date, to how quickly he/she texts you back, to when you’ll get married, to the moment you’ll have baby-making sex. Then, get terribly upset/angry/volatile when your partner doesn’t do and say exactly what you want. Repeat every time things don’t go as according to planned. Sure, because doesn’t everyone want to be in a relationship with that person? The person who is open to
different possibilities is the person who is free.
The Person Who Is Not Stuck In Narrow Definitions: To subscribe to alternate possibilities, you have to challenge the status quo in your dating and relationships. In case you did not realize it, most things in life don’t have any meaning until we give them meaning. And the people who have a narrow vision of who they should date, what dating should look like, and how their relationships should unfold are some of the unhappiest. Relationships are not a science. They are an art. You have full creative freedom if you just stop listening to everyone else and/or get out of your own way.
The Person Who Lets Go Of The Past: The person who is centered in the present is an extremely alluring
person. Perhaps, their beauty lies in the rarity of their existence. Most people are chained to their past. Caught
up in the ways their failed relationships affect them in their current relationships. Focused on making their ex jealous with the new photos they post on Facebook. This is no way to live. No one wants to be in a relationship with
someone who can’t be in the here and now. If you are constantly comparing your current partner to your last, you might as well start wearing orange jumpsuits, because you my friend, are in prison. You need freedom of the ex.
Get on that path with a copy of my book, How To Get Over Your Ex: A Step By Step Guide To Mend A Broken Heart Italian American Style, here http://www.amazon.com/How-Get-Over-Your-Heart-Italian/dp/1626469628
The Person Who Sees The Glass As Half Full: No one likes to be around a Negative Nelly. A relationship with such a pessimist is the ultimate buzz kill. When people expect the worst, they get the worst. It wasn’t just once that
I heard of a man with a girlfriend accusing him to the point of cheating that he figured he might as well cheat since she thinks he is anyway! On the other hand, those who let go, let God/The Universe and just hope for the best, often times get the best. Optimism = More freedom. Every time.
Do you know any other type of person who is really and truly free? Describe that person in the comments section of my blog below.
Here’s to a Happy 4th of July!