Last night, my mother and I were joking about how women have it way harder than men. Physically, most women go through so much more than most men. Menstruation. Pregnancy. Childbirth. Menopause. Did I mention we also have to tolerate men?! Ha.
In many instances, this means having to deal with the male perspective on our physical appearance--especially when we are single and putting ourselves out there in the jungle of the modern day dating scene.
As a well-established matchmaker and dating+relationship coach, I am all too familiar with how critical men can be of the female body. The harsh reality is that throughout my career, I have learned-time and time again-that men-the visual creatures that they are- have a preference for a woman's body type. It is not fair that we women are judged based on how we look, that we are made to feel objectified, or that there are some men who can not see that our exterior does not define our value as a woman or a partner. Disclaimer: Don't shoot the messenger, you may not like what I am about to reveal.....
Yes, the clients I have worked with-across the board in terms of race, ethnicity, age, and religion-largely prefer women who can be described as "slender", "slender with curves", "athletic", "thin" and "model thin". While some apologize for sounding superficial when they share their match criteria; others have no shame in telling me they don't like "fat" girls. Most men are unapologetic about what they consider a logical explanation. They are simply attracted to what they are attracted to. "It is what it is," they say.
If you are reading this and feeling horrified: Please know that there are indeed men out there who are attracted to women who have a few pounds to lose. (And that men seeking matchmaking services are generally more selective than the general population!) Some men even have a penchant for curvy women.
The truth is: Confidence trumps all! A woman who feels really good in her own skin can be sexy at any size. When she can walk into a room feeling like a million bucks in whatever she is wearing, she can command the attention of almost any man. We hold the power as women. Men just receive the messages that we put out there. Are you sending the right messages?
Most women intuitively know that we teach men how to treat us; but they go wrong by trying to fake it 'til they make it. This could work for a bit; but if you don't do the work, ultimately insecurities and limiting beliefs creep in. Trust me: It is much better to acquire the confidence and sexiness that is such a turn on to men by actually feeling sexy and confident as opposed to pretending you do.
As my favorite food coach, Brigitte Weil says: "We cannot lose weight, get healthier, feel stronger, or look awesome in our favorite little black dress that’s pushed to the back of our closet because it doesn’t fit any more JUST because we want it. Talking about losing weight is not losing weight. Thinking about losing weight is not losing weight. Fantasizing about losing weight is not losing weight.Only DOING something to lose weight brings us closer to our goals."
Indeed, this is why Brigitte started her 30 Day Jumpstart Coaching Circles. Losing weight doesn't happen by accident. And Prince Charming does not magically show up at your doorstep.
Since I am all about being proactive in love and life, I wanted to share Brigitte's program with you! If you'd like a professional to create a personalized food plan and provide you with the accountability that you need to truly transform your body.....
Check out her 30 Day Jumpstart Coaching Circles. If you sign up for the one launching in Feb, you can get a free thirty minute consultation by mentioning that I referred you!
Oh; and at the end of the day; its not really about what men think: Its about what you think that really matters!
And most people just tell you to move forward, cause, you know:
"Everything happens for a reason."
So on that note, I received an email from a woman who had recently been ghosted. Unfortunately, this isn't the first time a female who was in these circumstances reached out to me for advice, and I doubt it'll be the last.
As I read her story, it became clear to me that her now ex-boyfriend's painful and abrupt departure from her life was indeed a blessing in disguise. Without getting into too much detail, let's just say this: It was a story of a woman dating a man who lacked the human decency that a healthy relationship requires.
Basically, when the going got tough, the guy could not give her the courtesy of honest communication. He simply could not demonstrate the willingness to be vulnerable, and he just shut down. Like many men before him. Sigh.
To literally run away with no explanation. To me, it is unfathomable! After all, I can't even stand when a man I care about doesn't respond fast enough to my texts, and therefore prompts that selfie.
As she wrote: "Now to be ghosted by someone you went on a few dates is understandable. But I shared a bed with this man, spent holidays with him, exchanged I love you's. Talked about how many kids we were going to have. How can a human being be this cruel?"
Uggh. It is horrifying to me that we live in a society in which any form of ghosting is acceptable. Whether its one date or one year, it can bring up all sorts of fears of abandonment.
Her email continues: "Ghosting from a full blown relationship is the most cowardly and disgusting thing to do. How much easier to simply disappear than to have to explain you really can’t tolerate being in a relationship anymore. Or that you never really cared about them in the first place. Or that they were never important enough to merit a proper explanation...."
Yup pretty much! This would cause many a mind to think the worst..... I mean.....really?! What would you think?
When everything about your love life changes in an instant-whether its because you've been ghosted or because someone properly broke up with you- it is likely that you may find yourself wishing for (more) closure. In many cases-often those in which people are divorced or widowed -closure is a luxury. In other instances, when the person is alive and somewhat in the picture, closure is nothing but a myth.
While we all deserve closure; we all don't get it. But the good news is that when it comes to getting over an ex, you don't need to know all the reasons why things have ended in order to move forward without them. And, let's be honest, when you decide to stay in a broken relationship, there are also some things you just don't need to know.
As for that one thing you need to know? No matter what, eventually; even this will be okay.
"I haven't had a date since I moved to New York City several months ago," said a beautiful, young woman at a very unique Campbells-sponsored "Soup Meets Sandwich" singles event that I co-hosted in Manhattan last night. "With this millennial generation, guys don't ask you out anymore," said another girl.
I know. I know. Some people may be wondering how this is even possible in such a big city full of singles and even if it indicates a problem.
In today's modern day dating culture, not having a date in longer than you'd like to admit does not necessarily mean trouble. It could be a matter of someone not wanting to go on a bunch of meaningless, random dates. It could be someone who is very selective or someone who just doesn't have enough exposure to potential dates. Or it could be someone who says they want to date but is actually prioritizing other things. In this case of many millennials, it is probably just another tale of young men who are a bit too into the hookup culture.
But don't get me wrong: There are many people-young and old alike- who would love a relationship but are just unsuccessful in getting dates. A lot of singles are burned out from the dehumanizing culture of online dating sites and apps. Others have no interest in going to bars where they find it hard to connect. Still others are hoping to meet someone organically.
And then there are those who just give up on trying. Of course, you don't have to just be single to give up on love. This happens to those in relationships too! Its understandable, really.
The singles who are not investing time and effort into trying to get dates are often just tired. Maybe they want a relationship-but not badly enough-to put themselves through the emotional roller-coaster of trying to get dates. Same goes for those in a relationships who have given their partner chances again and again and are just DONE. For real. DONE, this time.
So what's the answer to all of this? Do you make dating and relationships your biggest priority when you want to find or keep love? Do you take a dating detox? Separate from your partner? Give up for the long term and hope love finds you?
Well, you can do whatever you'd like really. There's free will in this life, kiddies. Personally, the Libra in me wants to scream: Balance. Find balance in your love life!
Balance is key; extremes can be unhealthy. People are most attracted to those who have something to bring to the table. If all you do is date or focus on your relationship and it is your obsession, you may come across as overeager. If you can make your love life your #1 priority without taking on that air of desperation, the laser focus may serve you well. There may be a spiritual component to success in which God-or The Universe-will send you your match! Or make your match get it together-for real!
But then again, disregarding dating and relationships entirely could help you focus more on your self-development and therefore make you more attractive to the one you want. Some say that you find what you are looking for only when you stop looking for it. The jury is still out on that one.
Mostly, anything is possible.
Welcome to the new year!
It is a time in which we all need to move forward in life instead of talking about the same things over and over. But, sometimes, it is helpful to take a brief glimpse into the past--to revisit that thing that has come up over and over. Because, as they say, the lesson repeats until you learn it....
The dead horse of the discourse on why people are generally single is that they are just too picky. Singles are criticized for having "laundry lists". They are encouraged by their family members, friends, therapists, matchmakers, coaches, and strangers on the train to be more open, to give people chances, etc.
In most instances, I find this to be pretty good advice. Most people are too narrow-minded when it comes to who they will date and aren't too skilled at predicting their compatibility with another. Even when they are very self-aware and have done a lot of therapy or coaching, people have blind spots. They have strong ideas about dating and relationships, as well as what is good for them and what isn't. Sometimes, they are wrong.
I'll be honest: I have my share of ideas that I cling to with a pretty tenacious grip as well.
For instance, I confess that I think it is *generally* better for women to date older men! But, hey if you are an extraordinary, mature guy who has a thing for an older woman, you can totally make it work---if you avoid all the mistakes younger men make that is. If this is of interest to you-or you are just curious- check out this article I was quoted in & learn what I think is the #1 mistake of these young cubs today....
Anyway, being picky might seem like one of the worst things for love. It is pretty bad when you are single, because it keeps you single for longer than you'd like. And if you manage to actually get into a relationship and start picking apart your partner, its pretty toxic too. After all, no one likes to be with someone who is critical.....
In my humble opinion, the worst thing anyone can ever do for their love life is be impatient and demanding in regard to love. Because, even in our instant gratification culture: You still can't hurry love.
If you try to force someone to be with you-or demand that he or she treat you a certain way when they keep showing they don't want to-you are settling for way less than you deserve.
And settling for less than you deserve is it--that is the absolute worst thing you can do for your love life--no matter who you are and what your relationship status is.
So in 2017, just don't do that, k? It'll all be alright!