So, I have a theory about dating new people.
To begin with, its based on the conservation of time and energy. Its about being selective enough to be excited about each first date—which is a rarity for most in the modern day dating world. More common? People going on first dates with people they never spoke to and know nothing about. Sometimes multiple first dates in one day, in fact.
Thanks to the array of online dating sites and mobile apps, many singles-especially those in big cities-are completely overwhelmed by the sheer volume of potential suitors they attract. On apps like Tinder and sites like Match.com, they just don’t know who they should or shouldn’t pay attention to. It seems like a terribly impersonal process that singles struggle to personalize and have success with. They wonder about the best protocol for finding a relationship. Because isn’t the goal of the process actually finding someone to make you delete your silly apps?
Singles trying to figure out these dating mediums ask me questions like: How many messages should you exchange online before you take the communication offline? Do you send someone your list of deal breakers before you send your phone number? How do you know who to meet and my take?
Decisions. Decisions. Decisions.
One thing is for sure that I would shout to the rooftops for any single to hear:
You don’t know ANYTHING about anyone or your potential compatibility with them until you do your homework! By the way, don’t fool yourself into thinking you don’t have to do some “research” if your friend or even a professional matchmaker has made the introduction. It can’t hurt to look at things a little more deeply. If you want to increase your chances of a successful first date, you need to develop a process for screening candidates. If you think this sounds unromantic, think about how unromantic a first date with someone you have absolutely no romantic attraction would be.
If you are on board, here’s a simple three-step process I’ve found useful:
1. Talk to your potential date. On the phone. The actual phone. Have a conversation to make sure you don’t hate his/her voice and/or are bored to tears. It’s also a good idea to find a casual way to text or talk about your deal breakers before you even agree to a date. If you know there are things that won’t work for you and your potential date is all about those things, why waste your time?
2. Play detective. It’s called Google. But it doesn’t have to stop there. While some people think that ignorance is bliss, I (and many people I know) prefer to know the truth upfront. To discover the truth about a stranger, you have to dig a little deeper. If you don’t want to do a full on background check, there are other options. But if you do want to do a background check, may I suggest www.Instantcheckmate.com? (It’s amazing what you can find out in minutes!)
Ladies, you can take it a step further, and use LuLu, the gem of a mobile app that actually allows you to research guys by reading anonymous reviews from other women who’ve dated them. (So you can stop dating guys who have #TemperTantrums!) Another option? Look up your potential date on Facebook, check out the mutual friends you have, and contact them to get the scoop!
3.Just say no. Realize that although people often say that “sometimes ya never know” in regard to who you’ll fall in love with, sometimes you do know who you won’t fall in love with. If your research has proven that the latter applies to the person who just asked you out, politely decline the date. If it’s not a match, it’s not a match.
Want to stop dating the wrong people and start dating the right people? Email me at Rachel@RachelRusso.com. I have personalized solutions for you.
Going to a club New Year's Eve. Watching any episode of The Kardashians. Having sexual relations in the shower. Reuniting with your ex-boyfriend. Being the "cool" girlfriend..................
Wondering what they have in common? They are all OVERRATED! In case you are wondering what else is overrated-and more specifically how it relates to you-I will cut right to the chase and share the most overrated thing of all:
Blaming other people for the unhappiness in your love life.
Sure, you might feel good for a minute to think that it isn't you that is the real problem. It is easier to point a finger at the parents too caught up in their own issues to recognize yours. It is less painful to believe that your cheating spouse is really the one who needs counseling. (Not you. You're just fine.) But playing the blame game doesn't actually solve anything at all. And why should it? Because it is no one else's fault that you are miserable alone, miserable with the person that you are with, or miserable because you are still unable to get over your ex.
It is no one else's fault that you are depressed because you didn't get the message you were hoping for on the online dating app or in the follow up text exchange after the first date you thought went well. The common denominator in everything about your love life that is making you unhappy is YOU. It is often in life that you can't immediately change your circumstances. But you can immediately choose to change your attitude.
That's right: Happiness in your love life is a choice. It's a conscious decision that you can make--no matter what your status. Instead of pointing a finger at the others around you, it is about time you look in the mirror. If you don't like what you see, what can you do about it?
PS: If this blog has resonated with you and you have a minute, TELL me! I am motivated to encourage people to transform their love lives by taking responsibility for themselves, because this is the only way I think things will change. If you have two minutes, email me at Rachel@RachelRusso.com and help me understand how I can help you in your love life today!
PPS: If you really want to transform your love life, claim your free seat at The Intuitive Love Solution, and look out for my upcoming interview that is full of expert advice on rewriting your love story!
Once upon a time, you thought to yourself: My love life is horrible! Just horrible.
As someone who’s spent her entire adult career working with people who want to improve their love lives, I can say with confidence: Someone always has it worse! Allow me to explain.
1.Some people have totally exciting lives—until they get into a relationship with someone totally boring. Then, they become totally boring too.
2. Some people break up and share joint custody of dogs. How can you split a dog in half? Really? “Visitation” can get quite ridiculous.
3.Most people are awful communicators. This leads to all kinds of confusion in the early stages of dating—not to mention passive aggressive nonsense throughout the relationship. Multiply that by 1000 when couples insist on solely communicating via text.
4. Some men think it is funny to physically abuse women. One in four women are attacked by an intimate partner. This is no joke. Thankfully, a lot of women, like the women in this new book I co-authored, are survivors.
5. Some couples get married way too young--before they even know who they are. Most of them grow apart instead of together.
6. Some people think they can find The One on Tinder, but end up with eighty three matches who don’t respond and one who responds and wants to live in a polyamorous commune.
7.Many people stay in relationships with people they have nothing in common with other than the fact that they are together.
8. Some couples face infertility, cancer, and their own mortality. And after getting through all that, someone still has an affair.
9. Some people ignore the red flags—and end up with addicts who drain their energy, bank accounts, and spirit. No matter how much they love the addict, the addict always loves the drug of choice more.
10.Some people wake up to someone who tells them they don’t love them anymore. That things can’t be worked out. And it’s all of a sudden. Out of nowhere. No solution.
So stop feeling sorry for yourself, already!
No matter how good or how bad things get in your love life, there is always room for improvement. On 5/5, The Intuitive Love Solution, which you may know I am a part of, kicked off the start of 21 days with 21 experts offering free dating and relationship advice. Want to join in and get some life-changing advice? Claim your seat here.
Well, hey there, Gorgeous! First off, my apologies. You haven't heard from me in a couple weeks, because I have been (at the risk of sounding cliché) crazy- busy. Don't worry, I won't let it happen again anytime soon, but I do want to explain.........
Last week, I was part of a group dinner with Helen Fisher herself. Yes, I am referring to the American anthropologist and leading authority on romantic attraction! This was all part of The International Matchmakers & Date Coach Conference of 2015 that I was involved in.
FYI: The three day conference for love experts around the world was an amazing experience. I got to teach matchmaking entrepreneurs about the ins and out of the biz, interact with the speakers, and do all the social media for the host, The Matchmaking Institute! Then, I filmed an interview for an award winning producer & director who is making a documentary on dating and technology. Another totally awesome gig! I just love talking about this stuff in front of a camera.
Lastly, I just acted as a judge for The Data of Love Pitch Night which was basically a Shark Tank for the founders of dating startups. All of my experience working with singles in a dating coaching and matchmaking capacity was truly an asset here. If you want to know the winners I helped choose, check out Cheekd and MatchmakerCafe.com--which I totally recommend if you are single and looking to embrace your techie side in your quest for love.
Speaking of quests for love, did I mention that I also just broke up with my boyfriend, got back together, and then broke up again? Mhhhm. I am back on the market, but something tells me it won't be for long! In case you are wondering.... #1. My recent breakup is for the best. #2. I'll keep it classy and refrain from commenting on the reasons why. #3. I will take my own advice, as written in my second book, How To Get Over Your Ex: A Step By Step Guide To Mend A Broken Heart Italian American Style. #4. Clearly I don't have time to sit around and cry over this, which brings me to......................
The point of this blog: I have to practice what I preach here and do exactly what I am about to tell you to do.
PRIORITIZE, PRIORITIZE, PRIORITIZE!
If you are like me, you have a million things to do coupled with the pressures of dealing with everyone who is trying to get a piece of your attention. If you don't say NO to them, you will be saying NO to yourself and to your dream. When it comes to your love life, you definitely have a dream. Whether you want to have greater intimacy with your spouse, be engaged in a year, or just have a date you are somewhat attracted to for the next wedding you'll attend, there are things that you would like to see happen.
I am here to tell you that they will not just happen unless you make them happen. You can do this (and make it rain) by protecting your time. In other words, you don't give it away for free. You do the things that give you a return on your investment first and ideally ditch those that don't. If this is sounding business-ey, you get it. If you need to flesh this out a bit more, ask yourself the following questions. You wouldn't waste your time trying to set up a sales meeting with a bad lead, would you? So why should you go on a date with someone you know isn't marriage material when your goal is to tie the knot next year? You wouldn't waste your time doing online marketing activities that bring zero traffic to your website, would you? So why keep doing the same old dinner and Netflix with your spouse when you know getting out of your comfort zone (or just your living room) would spice things up in the way that you crave?
Since we are talking business, allow me to end by pointing out the obvious that doesn't seem to be so obvious to some.... You can always make more money, but you can't make more time. That time you spend going on bad dates. That time you spend in the wrong relationship. That time you spend being mad, sad, or frustrated in the right relationship. You can't get it back! So time-unlike exes-is something you should probably hold on to.
Want to take back your love life and learn to prioritize? Email me at Rachel@RachelRusso.com to find out how I can help you get what you want in your love life--starting right about now!