If you spent a day in the life of my matchmaker shoes, one of the first things you would notice is this: A lot of people have a lot of irrational thoughts that are most definitely having a negative impact on their dating and relationships.
Just about everyone has these cognitive distortions at one time or another,but some people are extreme and at risk of self-sabotage. Read on for: 4 Irrational Thoughts That Lead To Self-Sabotage In Relationships:
1. Overgeneralization: This is when you make broad interpretations from limited experience. Don't define yourself as awkward just because you had one painfully awkward date.
2. Catastrophizing: Some think their love life requires everyone to go into a national state of emergency! They truly believe they are the only one who has it this bad. If you are one of those people, I have a pep talk for you.
3. Jumping to conclusions: With this flavor of cognitive distortion, people interpret the meaning of an event with hardly any evidence. For instance, I tell my client that the woman I hoped to introduce him to has declined the invitation to meet. He automatically assumes it is because he's too old, and she prefers to date younger. But the truth is, it has nothing to do with that! Be honest with yourself. Do you do this?
4. Disqualifying the positive: You are seriously getting into dangerous territory if you do this in your relationships. When you focus on the negative about your partner-and conveniently forget all the positive-you have a recipe for bitterness and disaster.
Are you guilty as charged? Work on changing your thoughts to improve your love life, and if you don't know how, shoot me an email at Rachel@RachelRusso.com.
One of my favorite questions to ask potentials clients in my Matchmaking/Dating Coaching consultations is:
Why are you single?
No, really though......
Why is it, that at this moment in time, you are not in the relationship that you wish to be in?
While most sitting in front of me have given this more than their fair share of thought, there are some who truly have no understanding of the reasons behind their single status.
In case you are wondering ......Here are some of the top reasons why you might be single:
You are trying too hard.
Nearly a decade ago I went on ninety-two dates in one year as a part of a social research experiment for a reality dating blog in NYC. I have since never gone on half as many dates again and never will!--yet I continue to be amazed by all of the singles I know who serial date like it's their job! One word: COUNTERPRODUCTIVE! Say "no" to swipe culture and the paradox of choice. Just....pick one! Even if you are living here. Especially if you are living here.
You aren't trying hard enough.
On the other side of the coin, you have to put effort into your love life. If you aren't doing something-whether online or offline-to get exposure to compatible singles, you aren't even in the game. As the saying goes: You have to be in it to win it. And if you are in it and your first dates aren't leading to seconds, you have to take a step back and take a look at the impression you are making. If you aren't being authentic, how will you ever attract your true match?
You are full of yourself, and it is turning people off.
That being said, if your true self is self-absorbed, tends to monopolize the conversation, never asks your date any questions about his/her self. and makes the courtship all about your needs and desires: Don't be yourself. Seek. Help. Immediately. Or die alone. With cats.
You are lacking self- confidence.
Everyone finds self-confidence sexy. But, unfortunately, life gets in the way of how we feel about ourself sometimes. If you beat yourself up because you don't make enough money, because you gained a couple of pounds, because your hair is falling out, stop right now. Make a plan to start feeling good about yourself. Get a side hustle. Hire a trainer. Clean up your diet. Start taking probiotics for your hair. (Life hack: SUCH a connection between hair loss and gut health. Read this if you don't believe me.)
You are too narrow-minded about what you want.
Lose the laundry list! If you have fourteen criteria that must be checked off before you even agree to have a drink with someone, chances are you are making it impossible to find real love. You can't just order a partner like you order everything else on Amazon! Love doesn't work that way. Also, it isn't convenient, so if you won't travel five miles outside your apartment, you are missing out on potential partners.
You have no idea what you want!
If you don't know what you want, you aren't going to manifest it out of thin air! You really must have some understanding of the type of person you'd be compatible with. I am big on singles understanding the core values that they want to share with a match. Often, like attracts like. And, well, you'll have to listen to my recent podcast interview for the juicy deets, but it is not a crime to want to date someone of a similar background! It is, however, a crime to go out into the dating world and waste everyone's time because you haven't the slightest understanding of what your heart desires!
Are you noticing a common theme here? Extremes might work for reality TV, but they don't work in the dating world. If you haven't found your summer love yet, it is likely that you need to find BALANCE.
Not to mention a good matchmaker! :)