So, I went on a date with a fifty-year old-a few months ago. At age 32.
After that, I had a dinner date with a twenty-seven year old. And, after that, an iron worker.
Yes, really! The things we do to find love......
While all of these men were considerably out of my comfort zone in terms of match criteria, I went on each date with an open mind.
I know that being overly judgmental about superficial criteria has left many a woman (and man!)
unattached for longer than preferred.
Yeah, I don't know about you, but I'm not trying to become another NYC single statistic!
The struggle is real, and as I've mentioned before: A lot of times it has to do with location, location, location.
This week, a podcast interview I did with well-renowned dating coach, Scot McKay, which has been called "entertaining and informative" debuted on Itunes. Our conversation on Episode 94, is all about major differences in dating among singles in cities, rural areas, and suburbia.
It seems like everyone thinks their city or town is the worst place to date. Some are far worse than others. Jon Birger, author of Date-o-nomics, who I will be sitting on a panel with at my next Great Love Debate appearance on October 17th may be the one who knows this best!
But, also: "Wherever you go, there you are."
With that, a lesson comes to mind. A lesson that you need to learn whether you are single, dating, or married. And that is......
If you want your love life to be a good one, do this........
You have to keep an open mind and stop thinking that you already have the "script" for how things should go with those in your love life. While its true that you can write your own love story, you can not control how other people act or how they treat you.
Sometimes, you can't control who you fall in love with. That's why they call it "falling" in love.
You may swear up and down that you like older men and would never date anyone in his 30s, and then randomly stumble into a Cubs & Cougars party-like this one my colleague, Mary Riley, is hosting-and walk out hand-in-hand-with the love of your life!
Sometimes, you can't control who you stay in love with either.
Just ask #Brangelina!
On the stage at The Great Love Debate last Monday evening, I mentioned that "Dating ADD" was one of the reasons so many New Yorkers don't settle down into happy, healthy relationships.
Ask anyone who is familiar with the NYC dating scene, and they will talk about options, options, options--which seem to be both a blessing and a curse in The Big Apple.
But when it comes to love, I fully believe that there are only two viable options for that relationship that you are considering pursuing, staying in, or salvaging:
ALL or NOTHING.
Figuring out how the hell to make a difficult relationship work is a challenge. Because you don't want to let go of it-or the potential it has-you put up with the despicable grey area.
The shades of grey are frustrating. It is the up and down roller-coaster that has you feeling like you should hide your "crazy" one minute and show your crazy the next.
Sometimes the challenge seems too big. You aren't able to get things back to how they used to be, and you wonder if you should even keep trying.
Its clear that a lot of work is involved. This type of challenge is one that takes: Creativity, Communication, Self-Discipline, Patience, Practice, Trial & Error, And A Pinch Of Luck.
Sometimes, he isn't texting you back and you are angrily staring at your phone trying to figure out what to do. Sometimes, she's ready to throw in the towel and ex you out-with this reminder- over the seemingly smallest of issues.
It is exhausting and crazy-making.
But.....All or Nothing--what a concept!
Its so much better for your sanity and the relationship to just pick one. You can either choose to make it work or you can choose not to.
If you give your all and you wind up with nothing, you have your answer and have no need to stay in that one-foot-in-and-one-foot-out-grey-area.
While it sucks to have an ex that you need to get over-like badda bing, badda boom-at least you aren't stuck.
You didn't lose anything, because, as I often say: You can't lose what you never really had!
Instead of tip-toeing around, you took the admirable route of going all in. It failed, and now you are free to find something that better suits you.
And if you went all in and it all worked out?
Well, congratulations, my friend. You are officially living the dream.
If you follow me into the lounge, pull up a seat at the bar, order me a glass of dry rose, and ask me to spill my secrets on how to be happy in love and life, I'd tell you a story or two.
If I fancied you and thought you were ready for it, I'd share the truth about that one thing that makes everything easier. That one thing with domino-effect-inspiring-potential that could transform your entire existence if you let it.
Its kind of like dating the Mr. VIP who exposes you to new ideas and fabulous places, introduces you to everyone who is anyone, and totally sweeps you off your feet. Yes, I've dated him. And its awesome. But this is better......
This one thing is so powerful, because the power lies within YOU. It is not dependent on some guy or girl that you have to wait for to "make" your day, year, or life.
Its been at least seven years since I stumbled upon this secret I am about to share. I was visiting some metaphysical bookstore in the East Village of NYC-hoping to get a psychic reading-when I picked up one of those holistic living type newsletters that they always have at the store's entrance. Clearly, I was looking for answers. About my love life. Obvs.
It was ironic, because in seeking a psychic, I was attempting to control my future by knowing what was in the cards for me. Full Disclosure: I still attempt to control my future in this way from time to time--despite the stigma and the fact that most of what most of the psychics have told me has never come true.
But it is what it is. And that's kind of the point, actually.
So, the thing is........................
Everything is easier when you want what life wants!
In other words, life isn't as challenging when you accept what is happening in the present moment as something that is occurring for a reason--a reason that is ultimately good for you.
When you stop trying to date a guy who isn't interested in you, give up on the fight to "change" her, or otherwise quit trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, you'll be a lot happier.
Seriously, you'll watch your stresses disappear.
A blissful life isn't about having what you want, but wanting what you have.
And if you want to have that glass of rose with me.........
I'll be happy to shoot the breeze with you about love and life, at Stand Up NY, after I sit on the panel of The Great Love Debate. That's this Monday, Sept 12th at 8PM.
So how about it? Why don't we all just start wanting what life wants?
Being "stuck" is no walk in the park.
Your mind draws blanks. Your heart races--and breaks. Your veins pop out of your neck. Your remind yourself to breathe. Or something like that!
We’ve all been there—getting stuck is human nature, you know?
It doesn't have to be like this. What if you just planned on getting stuck in dating and relationships?
Because it is bound to happen. You might as well expect it, and hang on for the ride.
You can bet your bottom dollar that there is a solution to every problem. And not just one either! Here are three solutions to three problems that I see happening to those who are dating, in relationships, and (still) single.
When in doubt, just do this.....
What To Do If He Or She Isn’t Texting You
There are few things in life that are more annoying to the relationship-oriented girl or guy than someone who isn’t texting back! As a Matchmaker, Dating & Relationship Coach, as well as a relationship-oriented female myself, I am both professionally and personally acquainted with how widespread and frustrating this behavior-or lack thereof-really is. Whether the guy or girl who is guilty as charged is your partner, the person you’ve been casually dating, or the one you hooked up with last night at the bar, you may find yourself feeling disappointed, depressed, angry, or anywhere in between. While everyone’s circumstances are unique, and there is no-one-size-fits-all approach that is guaranteed to get anyone texting you back, I know some strategies that will be most successful.
Its ironic that my friend and colleague, EZ Dating Coach, Mike Goldstein, just asked me to write about this topic for his blog, because I recently had the unpleasant experience of this happening to me! Stay tuned for my upcoming blog post that will tell you exactly how you can make what worked for me work for you too.
What To Do If You Want To Improve Your Relationship With Someone Who Is Sabotaging Everything
First thing is first: I commend you! Clearly, you are wise enough to know that relationships take work and are willing to put in the work to make yours successful. However, you have to realize that a tremendous amount of effort from both parties is required to truly fix a broken relationship. If you feel like your partner hasn't been pulling his or her weight, you have to get real about how damaged your dynamic really is. Then you have to take an honest assessment of your partner: Does he or she actually have the desire and ability to do what is necessary? Do they understand what they have to do to give you what you want? Do you believe they will take action? Will their action be sustainable, or will they just improve their behavior for the short-term but go right back to their destructive ways? If you need help answering these difficult questions, check out my advice which was recently published in Bustle's 5 Signs Your Partner Doesn't Care Enough About You, According To An Expert.
If you decide you care enough to give the relationship a fighting chance, tell your partner how you feel and what you expect of him or her. If it seems his/heart isn't in it, don't try to force things. You'd be better off to let it go-as much as it may hurt-and focus on yourself and the whole-getting-over-your-ex-thing. As I've realized, the people who are meant to be in your life come back--even after you let them go. And if they don't, well, I'd venture to say that there is something better in the cards for you! Let it happen!
What To Do If You Are Single & Want To Discover Why You Really Can't Find/Keep A Relationship
This one is easy. Let's be honest: I probably KNOW. Or I could know if I knew you and your unique circumstances. Having met so many singles, I am quickly able to assess whether or not their "match criteria" is reasonable and what their strengths and weaknesses are for finding and keeping the type of relationship they desire. To get to the true answer, I also take a look at their opportunities-or lack thereof-for meeting potential suitors, as well as any threats that are standing in their way. If this sounds interesting to you-and you've been reading this newsletter for some time or just started-you should probably just book a session with me already! You can attempt this as a DIY-project, but be warned: You have limits and blind spots. I promise, it is amazing what an objective perspective can do for you, if you let it!
Speaking of which, if you want some more expert opinions on why everyone is still single in NYC, you can can come get an earful at StandupNY on the evening on Sept 12th , as I sit on the panel of The Great Love Debate-- "a unique, interactive Town-Hall style event where leading local experts and an excited, engaged audience will dish, discuss, dissect, and debate the current state of the date". Fun times, huh? And that's what your love life could be too..........