Tinder: Why You Gotta Be So Rude?

7/24/2014

Full Disclosure: I have never been on a Tinder date. Heck, I couldn't even access this increasingly popular mobile dating app on my iPhone 4s if I wanted to. But I've heard the horror stories and the complaints. I've seen the pain in the eyes of the girl whose date made her not only feel unattractive but uhuman. I’ve read the #WorstDateEver tweets from the guy who is not only out fifty bucks and an hour of his life he could never get back but is completely disheartened by the dating scene.

I have even swiped to the right and to the left on the phones of my Tinder-enthusiast-friends. Needless to say, I have developed an opinion on Tinder, and the world must hear it!

To clarify, this post is about Tinder use in New York City. I am sure there are similar dynamics occurring in other big cities, but I will start with my home base. It might as well be a universal law that Tinder has an immense talent for bringing out the rudeness of New Yorkers. (As if we weren't rude enough!) I have never in my life heard so many despicable dating tales that can all be traced back to one dating medium.

In fact, I think Tinder is the worst thing that could have hit the NYC dating scene. If you are seriously looking for love, I ask you to strongly consider whether it is in your best interest to be exposed to this beast.

Tinder is the new Craigslist Casual Encounters and is from the same egg as the old Chatroulette. But we all knew that, right? Do you and the New Yorkers you know really think your chances of finding a compatible match who actually wants to be in a serious relationship or marriage are high on Tinder? To my amazement, some of you do. Because the ones on Tinder who are not looking for just sex are going on date after date hoping to find “The One”. Sure it could happen, but so could getting struck by lightening!

Of course, it is possible to meet some quality relationship-oriented singles on Tinder, but I've come to believe you'd be more likely to:

- Exchange a few uninspiring text messages with a stranger who will soon start ignoring you.

- Be on a Tinder date with someone you never spoke to who has four other Tinder dates this weekend with people he/she has never spoken to. Two of which are on the same day as yours.

- Be downgraded from dinner to drinks with someone who will meet you for an hour on their way back from a road trip to Costco---before they go home to shower for their friend’s birthday party.

- Have someone leave mid-date because they aren't physically attracted to you and can't be bothered to get to know you to see if your personality might make you more desirable.

And maybe, just maybe, you'll hear the sorry excuse for bad behavior that my girl friend heard the other night: "It's only a Tinder date." That’s precisely the problem, you see. There are a whole lot of people out there-many who are men-that are not taking Tinder seriously at all. And why should they?

There is almost no effort required to get a Tinder date. Plus, Tinder daters know virtually nothing about each other except for their age and how they look in their Facebook photos. Not only do people go into most dates with a minimal level of excitement and lack of previous communication, they don’t care as much about making a good impression on the date because they know deep down it is all just a crapshoot.

Ladies, if you are looking for your future husband in NYC, a stint on Tinder is even bleaker for you than it is for the boys. I could write an entire book on the reasons why, but for now, I urge you to consider what you are really doing by dating on Tinder.

In my opinion, you are setting yourself up for a relationship that will fail to launch. You are dating (if you can call meeting a man two blocks from his office for a twenty minute drink dating) men who are superficial and looking for instant gratification.

You are giving up your power, because you are competing for a time slot with the dozens and dozens of other women he’s texting from Tinder right now. Before you even meet, you are nothing special in his mind, because he didn’t even have to call you in order for you to meet him. He didn’t have to make a plan to take you to dinner. He didn’t get to look forward to meeting you next week because you are available to meet him right now—before he even showered.

Call me old fashioned and hopeless romantic, but I want the man who regards our first date as something special. Something that warrants bathing. The man who has an attention span, likes real life interaction, and will actually pursue me because he is interested in going out with me. Not the man who is filling time. Escaping his loneliness. Or hoping to get lucky with a random hookup.

Guys, I know that some of you are reading this and wanting to be that man that I and every woman out there really want. Deep down inside, most of you know how to treat women well. But if you are on Tinder too long, you run the risk of getting corrupted. Objectifying women. Placing too much value on the physical—because you can. Treating women like they are disposable, because they let you. Becoming too picky. Becoming lazy about the whole dating process. And getting jaded by the crazies, the liars, and the women who just want to use you. You are setting yourself up for failure as well. Psychologically, you need a challenge to be happy in a relationship for the long term. You need to pursue a woman to value your relationship with her. And you won’t value any one woman when you view women as a dime a dozen. Obviously, that view gets reinforced every time you log on to Tinder.

Overall, I think Tinder should come with a disclaimer. I felt compelled to put this out there, because I see more NYC singles suffering than succeeding in their Tinder-ing. I hope I encouraged some of you to think twice before you swipe and consider the benefits of meeting people the old fashioned way. If you understand all the cons of Tinder and are still willing to play your cards with this app, by all means: SWIPE ON!

Have you had a good or bad experience with Tinder? Do you think most people can really find love on Tinder? Or do you think Tinder does more harm than good? Please leave your comments here.

3 Comments

Danielle

7/24/2014 06:36:10 am

GREAT READ! I think this blog has a ton of great points, and Tinder should absolutely come with a disclaimer. I also think the most important piece of information is that it should not be used or compared to any other dating site, because it is impersonal, detached and pretty much geared to be that way.

With that being said, I think women look at the site a little too seriously and need to look at it as more a "hot or not" site, the way men do. It may not be the top site when it comes to looking for love, since Tinder is pretty much just that- a "hot or not" site and solely is a representation of the way people look with a brief bio (ya know, to make it a little less superficial).

I started using it when I was bored early in the am or late at night and wanted some entertainment. I had zero expectations, and was not naive when I would get random messages from guys saying that I am the " Most beautiful girl in the world" or I had "such a wonderful smile". Those were the men to avoid. Those are the ones that just want some ass. There are good guys on there, you just have to be smart, not take it seriously, and sort through the riffraff. Many guys are just shy, have no game, or exploring all options that are out there. Men are visual beings, and like to look at pretty girls, why not let them take advantage of their single years by swiping through a series of chicks in bathing suits or all dolled up at their friends wedding?

I actually met my boyfriend on Tinder almost 5 months ago, and even though his withdrawal process from it was pretty frustrating (to say the least), we now are doing well and I am glad I messed around on it for a bit because although its a little soon to say whether or not he is "the one", we definitely have a ton in common and enjoy each others company.

Basically the point I am trying to make is that unless you feel like your clock is ticking....like reallyTICKING, It doesn't hurt to mess around a bit on Tinder, providing you keep your expectations low and your standards high. :)

Rachel Russo link

7/25/2014 05:27:21 am

Danielle, thanks so much for your thoughtful response. I really appreciate you sharing your story, and I am glad to hear you found something positive out of Tinder. I wish you and your boyfriend the best of luck! Comparing the site to "hot or not" is right on point. For those who do not want to find a relationship now or in the near future--sure they can mess around on Tinder, unless it is hurting their self-esteem. (Unfortunately, I am hearing a lot of stories of women feeling bad about themselves after Tinder dates.) Tinder seems to be suited for people in their 20s who are not looking for anything serious. Of course, some in their 30s and older are on that page as well. For women 30 + who want to get married and have children asap, Tindering isn't the best way to achieve those goals. Though, you can never say never!

12/3/2017 11:00:20 pm

The guys you are looking for are the guys who aren't "texting dozens of different women on Tinder," or consider Tinder to be this effortless service. Its not just women dealing with the complete lack of commitment from their dates. I've matched with about thirty girls on Tinder and haven't managed to get a date with a single one of them. I've had girls agree to a date, only to not respond when I try to confirm it the hour before I go out. Its really frustrating to hear people talk about how effortless it is to get a date on Tinder when I've matched with 30 people and never gone on one.

See, I feel like women don't take Tinder very seriously. This is what every person on Tinder I've ever encountered has done. Either not replied at all to my first message, started talking to me and then just stopped responding in the middle of our conversation, or agreed to go out with me and then didn't reply when I tried to confirm it. I don't ask girls out for a dinner date anymore not because I'm cheap or lazy but because it scared off every girl I matched with who thought I was too needy, too eager, or too formal for them.

I'm sorry but the reason why these guys exist is because people keep rewarding that kind of behavior, while punishing guys who who don't act like that. I'm not going to make sweeping generalizations and act like its true for everyone, but from my experiences, it feels like the kind of guy that you just described is the only kind of guy who has any kind of success or positive experience with Tinder. I have three other roommates, and three out of the four of us have never gotten a date on Tinder despite match numbers in the double digits. The only guy among us who has actually gotten a date on Tinder, is exactly the kind of guy you described in this article.

I'm begging you girls, please give the shyer guys a chance. If you want to go out for coffee or something and the guy has been texting you for awhile, just ask him out. It is a tremendous relief for guys like me when someone just helps out a little in the process instead of expecting me to have it all figured out.

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​​Rachel Russo

Tinder: Why You Gotta Be So Rude?

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