In every relationship, there are challenges that people need to work through. If you can learn to laugh at life, things can be a lot easier.
While no one can really predict the ups and downs any given couple will face-or if they will last forever- there are some relationships that seem to have more staying power than others.
How can you tell if your relationship will go the distance?
Step1: You can start by understanding what constitutes a healthy relationship, because healthy relationships typically last longer. If you haven't already, check out last week's blog post, "4 Ways To Know If Your Relationship Will Be Healthy & Happy". If your relationship doesn't seem healthy, what are the changes that you can make to improve the dynamic?
Secondly, you can assess whether or not you and your partner/potential partner are a good match. Chemistry is fantastic, but it is not everything. There needs to be a true element of compatibility for a relationship to work out for the long term. And here's the not-so-secret-secret of a lasting relationship......
You have the same vision for the future. If you don’t have synergy in terms of your vision for the future, that chemistry is a dead end. When you’ve met your true match, you are confident that you are on the same page. If you want kids, he wants kids. If you want to travel the world, she wants to travel the world. If you see yourself as an entrepreneur creating a big business that you work on with your partner, he or she can’t wait to be part of that power couple mission! You may not agree on every little thing, but mostly, you have similar values for the future. You can see the relationship working out, because it isn’t a huge compromise. You are truly well-matched, because you want the same things out of life. Does this sound like you and your partner or the person you'd like to be with?
Want to hear more about what I think makes for a good match?
Check out this episode of The Mountain Top Podcast for Men that I just co-hosted with Dating Coach Extraodinare & Founder, Scot McKay. I reveal all my thoughts on how tell if someone is the right match--as learned in my fourteen-year (and still going strong!) career as a professional matchmaker. Even though this episode is directed toward men, it is still totally relevant for women. Happy Listening!
Single and want to know if I can help you find your match? Taken and wondering if you are well-matched enough? You can book a complimentary consultation or strategy session on my booking site here.
Cheers to more healthy, happy relationships in the world! In life, things sometimes go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right! At times, your love life can seem really unhealthy. But this doesn't mean you won't be in a relationship that can turn out to be healthy and happy. What's "healthy" and "happy" anyway?
Let me tell you what it isn't: Listening to other people who have no idea what is healthy and happy for you.... tell you what is healthy and happy for you. Same goes for those who say that a woman has to know right away whether or not a man is the man for her. Sure, some women will tell you they “just know” he was The One from the minute they met him. But the truth is, there are plenty more women who didn’t know they’d have a real future with a guy until many months or even years into the relationship.
In fact, as a matchmaker with over fourteen years of experience, I have talked to a lot of women about how they met their man. Asking older women how they met their husbands is one of my favorite pastimes! And I can’t tell you how many women I meet who say “I didn’t even LIKE my husband when I first met him.” Men really do grow on women. (It has even happened to me!) So, not instantly knowing that a relationship is right for you is NOT a sign that you will not be in a healthy and happy relationship! It can all work out magically--if you pay attention to the signs that you are on the right track.
Now, on to those ways you can know that a relationship can be healthy and happy for you :
You feel happy and content most of the time that you are with your partner. No relationship is perfect, and there will inevitably be things that your partner does to frustrate, sadden, or anger you, but for the most part you will feel at peace in a healthy relationship. Even when there are awkward silences or uncomfortable conversations, it still feels “right”.
You are confident that your match is good for you because you regularly feel really good around each other. You have fun together and probably haven’t had as much fun-for as long as you have- with many others! (And not just when you are doing fun things, but even doing routine errands or waiting on line at the grocery store.) You can be together in the same room-not even talking to each other- just doing your own thing and still feel happy and connected.
You are integrated into each other’s life.
When you are in the right relationship, you feel like you have a true life partner. You do not feel alone--like your partner is still acting single when you are a couple. This means that you are included in each other's daily life. You have regular communication via text, phone, and in person. You know the little and big things that are going on with each other. You spend time together. He/she wants you to take an interest in their hobbies and vice versa. You meet each other's friends and family. You are both eager to make these introductions because you want everyone to get to know each other. You get the sense that he/she wants to include you in every part of life. Of course, you will spend holidays together.
While your partner may have friends that he/she sees separately or interests you don't share, you know about them. By the way, this is healthy--as you’ll need to maintain some sense of independence. What isn’t healthy is to feel lonely lying right next to someone. If you have found the right match, you’ll be confident that this will never or rarely happen.
You have physical chemistry and can’t get enough of each other! The one thing that separates a platonic friendship from a romantic relationship: Chemistry! While it isn’t everything, it is part of the glue that can hold a couple together during tough times. Sex drives wax and wane in life, but mostly, you feel desire for your partner and are confident that you always will. Because you find him/her physically attractive, cute, funny, and with the energy that just melts your heart. You want to be close. You are affectionate, and you love being intimate. Maybe you still feel butterflies every time you touch. You are both really into it most of the time. Perhaps, you can’t even picture yourself wanting to be with anyone else.
You make each other want to be a better person. When you’ve met your match, you are in a relationship that is truly healthy and empowering! Despite the challenges and bad times, you don’t want to give up--in life in general or on the relationship. You feel inspired to overcome your greatest fears and hardships, because you have a supportive partner by your side who makes you want to be the best version of yourself. And you do the same for your partner. You notice that you are more motivated to cut bad habits, take better care of yourself, earn more money, be a kinder person, etc. You want to live your best life and you want to be the best version of yourself..together.
So, there you have it. If you are in a relationship with these four characteristics, my vote is to never let it go!
Are you in a relationship that is less than healthy? Struggling to find a relationship to begin with?Let me coach you on how to find or keep your true match by helping you figure out a plan to conquer whatever is standing in the way of true happiness in relationships. Sessions are normally priced at $250 for an hour long video or phone chat, but if you book by March 24th, you can enjoy $125 in savings.
You can book directly-and make a secure credit card payment through Square-on my booking site here.
Okay, there’s no polite way to say this: Breakups SUCK!!
Whether it was a short term relationship or you are divorcing a spouse, a broken heart is one of the most difficult things to mend! In the days and weeks following a breakup, common sense is not so common for many of us.
Trust me, I’ve been there--even wrote a book about it! When we are in such a vulnerable state, we can lose sight of what we need to do to bounce back after the loss of a significant relationship. The key, ladies and gentleman, is to have the confidence in knowing what to do to move FORWARD--not backward. (As in no stalking your ex’s social media for this very reason!) After coaching tons of men and women past heartbreak and suffering through three painful breakups of my own, here are my top tips:
You must accept that your relationship is over, and there is no turning back. A breakup is like a death. I suggest that you treat it as such. It is crucial that you let yourself go through the stages of grieving without getting in touch with your ex. You may think that a quick phone call or a-just-checking-in-text is innocent enough, but trust me, it can set you back. If you want to move on, you need to adhere to a strict no contact policy—at least for a considerable amount of time. I’m talking thirty days or more.
If you are tempted to reach out to your ex, text a friend instead. (Or even text yourself the message that you’d write your ex.) But don’t be afraid to lean on your support system. This is the time to let friends and family be there for you--to let you vent, to be a shoulder to cry on, to distract you with fun, food, and drinks.
A good idea is to sit down and make a list of all the reasons why your relationship is broken and why you are better off without your ex. Read it and reread it until you believe it! The truth is: You will never have a new future if you keep such a tenacious grip on your past.
Actually, you should make this list even if you aren’t tempted to text your ex. If you don’t sit down with a pen and paper, you run the risk of keeping everything jumbled up in your head. If you don’t detangle and learn from your mistakes, you’ll just make them again with someone else. A really helpful strategy in making sense of it all is to write down all the facts and events that took place since you met your ex. You should record all major interaction leading up to the breakup. If you have an inkling that you may be leaving things out or misconstruing what really happened, you need to check yourself.
If you’ve kept a journal throughout the relationship, you can go back and reread your past entries for clarity. If you were seeing a therapist or coach when you were with your ex, you can ask him or her to offer some perspective. If you don’t have these luxuries, you can talk to your friends and family in order to validate the truth. Go through your list with your best friend, and see if your list matches up with his or her view. After a breakup, you have a lot of questions to answer, and it doesn’t hurt to get several other opinions. Once you fill in your blanks and figure out what really happened with your past partner, you’ll be more able to process the pain and more emotionally available for a partner in the future.
In the short term, don’t be too quick to get into another relationship. Just do YOU! Self-care is super-important at this time. Make your health and well-being your number one priority. Treat yourself with compassion and extra love. Do things that make you happy. Pursue new hobbies, revisit old ones, or travel somewhere special. Live your best single life, and you won’t be single for long.
Use the time to get to know yourself again and figure out what you want for your next relationship. Once time passes and you can see your past relationship more clearly. you’ll be more desirable as a single.
Unfortunately, a lot of people do not learn from their breakups and stay stuck in the past. This is a shame, as a breakup provides an incredible opportunity to learn from your past relationship, so that you can find a better MATCH. Just keep in mind: It’ll all be okay! Whether just a little bit of rejection, a traumatic breakup, or the divorce from hell: You get to DECIDE how long you will stay in pain. You can make the choice to heal. Its hard, and it isn't linear. It takes time and likely fighting with all you've got. Every. Single. Day. But don't worry: You've got this!
As you can probably imagine, people often tell me what they are looking for in a partner.
A lot of the times, their match preferences can sound a bit cliche—sense of humor, tall, dark, handsome, family-oriented, successful. Do we all want to date the same person?
This week, I’m in NYC—truly in my element! I’m on a biz trip, teaching aspiring entrepreneurs about starting businesses in the love industry. Yesterday, I taught the matchmaker training-as the kick-off to The Matchmaking Institute’s International Matchmaker & Dating Coaches Conference-and talked a lot about what constitutes a good match.
On the regular, people tell me who they want, and I tell them who is good for them.
Chemistry. Compatibility. Similar Values. Lifestyle. Complementary Personality. Attachment Style. Vision for Future. There is a lot to consider.
While what is romantically attractive is largely subjective, there are some things that we can all agree are unattractive. I’ve had thousands of conversations with people about relationship turnoffs, and there is one type of person who turns off virtually everyone.
Without a doubt, if you are heavily invested in always being right, you are doing your love life a real disservice. Not only do people dislike this type of arrogance, they often see it as a relationship non-starter. Because if the Know It All always needs to be right, then they must think that you are……wrong. Who wants to feel like they are inferior all the time?
The not-so-secret-secret is: We want to be romantically involved with people who make us feel good about ourselves. A relationship with a partner who makes us feel bad on a regular basis typically has a short shelf life. Being a know-it-all- is the enemy of connection.
So the next time you are searching for the evidence to prove someone wrong, remember that you are literally repelling people. Would you rather be right and alone? Or wrong and loved?
Fyi, you can be right and loved too…..
In fact, sometimes being “wrong” in relationships makes everything in your life right.