I once dated a guy who asked me if I wanted to "say fake I love yous". I had never heard of this before and requested he clarify what he meant. He explained that even though we weren't in love yet, perhaps we would soon be; that it might feel good to say "I love you" to each other even though we didn't quite mean it yet. 
 
Ummmm, no. I quickly declined. When I say "I love you", I want it to be real. Because I want real love, of course. My ex, however, liked the comfort of "fake love". He wasn't entirely alone with his seemingly strange preference--that immediately felt so wrong, foreign, and unappealing to me.
 
In retrospect, I realized I have met a lot of people in my years as a matchmaker & dating/relationship coach who actually prefer the artificial variety to no love at all. It keeps them from feeling lonely and isolated--a feeling that is all too familiar to many of us during this pandemic. Some even prefer fake love to the real thing, so they don't have to deal with the the ups and downs or pain of loss it can bring into their life.
 
Some people can’t love. They can’t love themselves. They can’t love you. They can’t love anyone.
 
Getting emotionally involved with people incapable of loving is a big mistake. Have you been in fake love? Well, you probably know this.
 
Maybe you or someone you know can use a heads up or an important reminder about how to avoid those who are lacking that love chip.
 
If you want to protect your heart, look out for the red flags that will be obvious in a relationship. If people who can only offer fake love had a personal brand, it would be this:
 
-They have a lack of accountability which leads to blaming you for anything and everything.
 
-They behave selfishly and do not take your feelings into account.
 
-They are unhappy. It is not a bout of depression, but they are generally miserable people at their core.
 
If you see these tell-tale signs, my advice is to remove yourself from the relationship and find a way to attract the love you deserve. There are more signs, indeed, but this is the basic information you need to know to avoid a counterfeit relationship. Cheers to real love for all!

 
Need help determining if you are in fake love? Could use some guidance in healing from its aftermath? Get some professional advice through email coaching or a strategy session here.  
 
If you are single and looking for some new ways to attract real love:
Feel free to check out this live virtual event--if you are in your 20s or 30s in the NYC metro area. 
 
Outside of the age range and/or interested in complimentary introductions to my clientele or that of my matchmaking colleagues? Join my confidential database today.

Last. Blog. Post. Of. The. Year.

For whoever needs to hear this:

Shortly after trading in my usual “quarantined work from home look”, and getting camera ready for an interview with a casting producer, I thought about all the things that didn’t matter for me this year.

Makeup. Nail Polish. Pants With Zippers.  
And the people and activities that were just “fillers”.

Then, there were the things that mattered a lot.
Daily walks. A good Wi- Fi connection. Hand Sanitizer. Curbside Pickup.
Staying connected to true friends and close family members.

Relationships-even when they looked very different-are what really mattered to many of us in 2020.  

​The desire for human connection was evident to me in speaking to my matchmaking clients who were willing to embrace video dating when dating was “cancelled”. Or dress, mask up, and have dinners in parking lots-with strangers from online dating sites-when the restaurants re-opened for outdoor dining.

In the safe space of coaching and therapy sessions, my clients talked about the pain of isolation. Or the dissatisfaction with being stuck in an unhealthy relationship. 
They contacted their exes, wasted time swiping, repeatedly fought with their partner, or just numbed out with sweets, alcohol, porn, Netflix, or their preferred drug of choice. When they weren’t feeling connected, it felt harder to cope with all the adversity. They needed an escape.

In the midst of the holiday season-with the pandemic still raging on- I am again reminded of how important maintaining healthy relationships is to staying sane while navigating the pandemic life. 

Has cultivating both platonic and romantic relationships been one of your priorities too? Or have you taken a hiatus? How has this all worked out for you? Somewhere between the struggle being real and a walk in the park, perhaps?

The truth is: There were a lot of priorities that got twisted for people in this first year of the new decade. Many of us have never been more alone. We were scrolling for the latest election news, freaking out about the spread of the virus, crushing cardboard boxes from Amazon, managing remote learning, and dealing with the overwhelm of Zoom meetings. Some of us have lost sight of what is important, because we just didn’t have the experiences that allowed us to regroup. 

Often the “game changers” are those interactions that let us experience ourselves in relation to others. With the general consensus being that everyday seemed the same and that there wasn’t much to look forward to socially, we’ve needed each other more than ever. But we were “together, apart”, as they’ve said. 

As we continue on throughout the holiday season and close out this year, I invite you to take stock of your priorities and celebrate all the important relationships in your life. Do you know who matters, who never did, and who always will?

Wouldn’t it be great if we can take some time now to figure out who and what really matters? To make a plan to manifest our vision for love and life in the new year? To just learn to be happy-together or alone-in this moment? 

​If you need help on that quest, just book a Strategy Session here for 2021. I’d love to “see” you then and guide you along the way.

Meantime, be well. Enjoy the holidays.  And know that you are probably doing the best you can.....

XoXo, Rachel 

When it comes to casual dating, a lot of people are half in and half out. They are just looking to "grab a drink and see what happens".
 
They run away at the first sign of potential incompatibility and swipe on to the next.  No one seems to mind too much-if both parties agree there are no expectations-because they were never really trying to make things work out for the long-term anyway. These type of  "relationships"  have a shelf life, so people enjoy them while they still can. The bar is set low; so they let little things slide. It is not that serious...

And then there are "real" relationships--those partnerships in which people seem to want more. Ideally more communication, more trust, more honesty, more respect, more commitment.  When it comes to navigating these relationships, I believe there are only two options:  All or nothing. 
 
Granted, I’m an extremist. I’m either cleaning my place for hours, or I am not cleaning it at all. Because if I am going to take the time to do something, I might as well give it my hundred and ten percent. Why would I operate any differently when it comes to something as important as matters of the heart? I realize in some cases, the black or white approach to life does not serve me. Sometimes there is grey area, and I'll consider that. But with relationships, when it comes down to it: You either want to be with someone or you don't. 
 
I don't think my all or nothing philosophy about romantic relationships applies only to people like me. I believe it is for everyone! I know singles who think having somebody is better than having nobody-and a lot of people in relationships would rather be lonely together than lonely alone-but some of these people are fooling themselves!  Whether they are single or coupled, fear is holding them back and keeping them stuck and unhappy.
 
As a dating & relationship coach for both singles and couples, I firmly believe that it is better to be alone than with a partner who is all wrong for you. People suffer too much--chasing after potential and seeking validation from those who will never give them what they want. Life is hard enough even when you love and are compatible with your partner and add a bunch of stressors into the mix. If you don't have compatibility; if you don't have love; what do you even have?
 
People need to really want to make a relationship work in order for it to work. And if you are going to work: You might as well give it to your all!

Need help deciding if it should be ALL or NOTHING in your love life? I love helping singles and couples get to the truth of their relationship in sixty minutes or less! Book a Strategy Session  here to get started.

As a quick Google search reveals: There is so much information out there about Dating and Relationship "Dos"--the things that we should be doing to find and keep a successful relationship. But, sometimes, we have to know what NOT to do before we know what to do. So, let's jump right in, shall we?
 
#1 Do not stay stuck in a relationship with someone who continuously disturbs your peace. Evolve or repeat! The type of person who is most likely to hurt your body, mind, and soul is the one who is incapable of loving. If you think someone is incapable of loving, you are probably right. Remember, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is probably a duck! 
 
If you are a woman who isn't sure about the true nature of the man you are dealing with-if you question his seriousness about wanting a relationship or wanting you-I invite you to check out my on-demand online master class: How To Vet Men Like A Matchmaker & Find Your Gem Online. I have given up all the secrets that I have used in my fifteen-year matchmaking career-as well as my own love life-to help you separate the men from the boys.
 
If you are a man wondering if you should continue to pursue a relationship or keep it moving, I'd like to personally coach you-as I haven't finished your master class yet. You are welcome to book a Strategy Session here. 
 
If you are male or female-and sure that the person you are with is no good for you and has to go-congratulations! If you have a weak moment and need help getting over your ex, keep in mind: If someone is no longer in your life, it is because you don't need them.
 
So don't stay stuck on chasing them......
 
2. Do no harm, but take no shit. It is easier than you may think to hurt someone--whether you are newly dating or have been in a relationship for many years. You could be having a pleasant text exchange-or an in-person conversation- and all of a sudden, you call him/her a playful name or make a reference that is totally interpreted differently from how you meant it. It could be taken out of context. It could have triggered past trauma. Before you know it, your partner is reacting negatively, and you are fighting! If only you could be more mindful of your words and actions. 
 
Of course, mindfulness works both ways. You can't be the only one working on a relationship for a relationship to work. So make sure you stand up for yourself too! Do not allow yourself to be manipulated. Demand an apology if that's what you think is best. But, mostly, just don't keep your feelings to yourself and allow that resentment to build. Toughen up. Tough love is real love too.
 
And, mostly: If you found a good one to love---never let them go!

Word on the Internet: Women are posting black & white selfies for...no reason! 
 
Although it may not seem like this simple act may make much of a difference, I accepted "the challenge" when my favorite blonde in Brooklyn-one of my true besties-asked me to post. I am all about female empowerment-which is good for men too-so, why, not?! As women, we must support other women and not get caught up in male-centric-ness. We must stay strong and embrace our feminine energies to succeed in love and life.
 
No matter who you are-whether you are male of female-the latter takes getting out of your comfort zone. If you are single, it may mean being open to meeting someone in a way that you never expected. If you are dating/in a relationship and you realize that the way you see things and the way your partner sees things are completely different--well join the club! In order to have a happy and sustainable relationship: Sometimes you are going to have to do things that you don't really want to do for your partner's sake. I am not saying you have to compromise your values, but you'll likely have to do and accept that which you aren't enthused about in the name of love!
 
What would you do for love? Would you accept someone's flaws completely? Would you be with someone who had challenging issues--like trauma, addiction, maybe a personality disorder--or two?!  Heads up: If you are in recovery-or are dating someone who is-be sure to check the very first Instagram Live "Dating & Recovery" that I cohosted with a recovery specialist this week. That was a challenge for me, but, guess what? It was awesome, and I want to do it again!  In fact, shoot me an email  if you want to co-host an Instagram live with me on a dating or relationship related topic!
 
Meantime, I have a real challenge for you........
 
Know what you want in your love life. Like really, really want. Determine the price you are willing to pay for it. There is always a price. And don't stop, tell you get it...get it!